Saturday | March 28, 2015
Court Rules Obama Kids' Bedtimes Unconstitutional
The president and first lady try to work out a plea deal with their children during the case of Obama Offspring v. Overbearing Parents.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a case fraught with major parental implications, a federal appeals court has overturned the bedtimes for Malia and Sasha Obama as chosen by the president and first lady, calling them "unconstitutional" and "totally unfair."

"This decision is novel and unprecedented," said White House press secretary Jay Carney. "It undermines not just Barack and Michelle's ability to make decisions in the best interests of their children, but millions of parents around the country.

"All any parent wants is a little time to relax after the kids go to bed and now the court has taken that away from the first family," Carney added.

The three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit ruled that the bedtimes dictated for the children - 8pm for Sasha and 9pm for Malia - violates the Ninth Amendment of the Constitution, citing the concurring opinion in the 1996 case of Natasha Renko v. Teresa Kaylor McLean that there is a need to preserve "under normal circumstances, the internal harmony and integrity of the family unit ... in the parent-child relationship."

"That's a pretty loose interpretation of the law, if you ask me," said CAP News law consultant Joey Gouger. "And I should know because I make my living on loose interpretations of the law. Like they say, I like my law like I like my women."

For their part, the Obamas are dismayed that their girls have taken this route with their bedtimes, noting that they often let the two stay up later on non-school nights to watch reruns of Full House or The Cosby Show.

"Besides, it takes Sasha like 45 minutes to brush her teeth at night because she spends more time walking around chewing on the toothbrush than she does brushing," said Michelle. "So it's not like we actually get her into bed at eight o'clock."

"And even if we do, she's up a good four or five times for one thing or another," added the president. "I think we have a strong appeal."

On the flip side, the president and first lady say they are proud that their daughters are taking advantage of the full resources of the United States at their disposal, a practice that will serve them well in their continued celebrity status throughout life.

"Don't try this at home!" joked the president. "At least, not a middle class home with limited financial means who doesn't have the judicial system within arm's reach."

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»