Thursday | December 18, 2014
Court Rules Obama Kids' Bedtimes Unconstitutional
The president and first lady try to work out a plea deal with their children during the case of Obama Offspring v. Overbearing Parents.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a case fraught with major parental implications, a federal appeals court has overturned the bedtimes for Malia and Sasha Obama as chosen by the president and first lady, calling them "unconstitutional" and "totally unfair."

"This decision is novel and unprecedented," said White House press secretary Jay Carney. "It undermines not just Barack and Michelle's ability to make decisions in the best interests of their children, but millions of parents around the country.

"All any parent wants is a little time to relax after the kids go to bed and now the court has taken that away from the first family," Carney added.

The three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit ruled that the bedtimes dictated for the children - 8pm for Sasha and 9pm for Malia - violates the Ninth Amendment of the Constitution, citing the concurring opinion in the 1996 case of Natasha Renko v. Teresa Kaylor McLean that there is a need to preserve "under normal circumstances, the internal harmony and integrity of the family unit ... in the parent-child relationship."

"That's a pretty loose interpretation of the law, if you ask me," said CAP News law consultant Joey Gouger. "And I should know because I make my living on loose interpretations of the law. Like they say, I like my law like I like my women."

For their part, the Obamas are dismayed that their girls have taken this route with their bedtimes, noting that they often let the two stay up later on non-school nights to watch reruns of Full House or The Cosby Show.

"Besides, it takes Sasha like 45 minutes to brush her teeth at night because she spends more time walking around chewing on the toothbrush than she does brushing," said Michelle. "So it's not like we actually get her into bed at eight o'clock."

"And even if we do, she's up a good four or five times for one thing or another," added the president. "I think we have a strong appeal."

On the flip side, the president and first lady say they are proud that their daughters are taking advantage of the full resources of the United States at their disposal, a practice that will serve them well in their continued celebrity status throughout life.

"Don't try this at home!" joked the president. "At least, not a middle class home with limited financial means who doesn't have the judicial system within arm's reach."

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»