SATIRE

NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure." «» With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars. «» Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, fired for abusing his players, has been offered a job coaching Penn State. "As long as the kids keep their clothes on, then we're a step ahead of where we usually are," said AD Dave Joyner. "Besides, I want him on my intramural dodgeball team." «» The AFL's Orlando Predators have offered Tim Tebow a 15-year contract, saying head injuries and longevity are no concern for a man who never takes a snap. "We don't need him to actually play," said owner Brett Bouchy. "We just want him there to keep our quarterback on his toes." «» Kobe Bryant has decided not to divorce his wife Vanessa, citing "irreconcilable dollar amounts." The Lakers star said he would have to produce two or three new sex tapes per year just to afford the alimony, which would then make his gratuitous sexual trysts "seem way too much like work." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»

NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure." «» With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars. «» Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, fired for abusing his players, has been offered a job coaching Penn State. "As long as the kids keep their clothes on, then we're a step ahead of where we usually are," said AD Dave Joyner. "Besides, I want him on my intramural dodgeball team." «» The AFL's Orlando Predators have offered Tim Tebow a 15-year contract, saying head injuries and longevity are no concern for a man who never takes a snap. "We don't need him to actually play," said owner Brett Bouchy. "We just want him there to keep our quarterback on his toes." «» Kobe Bryant has decided not to divorce his wife Vanessa, citing "irreconcilable dollar amounts." The Lakers star said he would have to produce two or three new sex tapes per year just to afford the alimony, which would then make his gratuitous sexual trysts "seem way too much like work." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»