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Surgeon General Warns Against Unnatural Clothes
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new report from the Office of the Surgeon General is warning parents and children against certain combinations of clothing that are "unnatural" and "anomalous to tolerable attire."
The results of donning such outfits are symptomatic of a generational shift toward apathy in one's appearance that feeds the selfish mindset of the millennial, the report says.
"Jeggings, pajama jeans - these amalgams of apparel pose a danger to impressionable youth who will grow to think it is society's job to hand them greater and greater levels of comfort," said Surgeon General Regina Benjamin. "Gen X, Gen Y, meet Gen W - Generation Wuss.
"The hoodie footie? Really?" Benjamin added. "When did pajamas stop being comfortable the way they were? I must have missed that memo."
The report also cited alarming statistics showing diminishing numbers of children who dress uncomfortably for school in established clothing versus those who toss classic fashion aside for the complacency of sweats and similar raiment.
"You can't appreciate the comfort inherent in a regular pair of underwear until you've gone commando in a pair of dungarees," said CAP News fashion editor Chip Wyatt. "Does anybody call them dungarees anymore?"
Wyatt noted that while the surgeon general's report was "fairly spot on," it failed to recognize the true downfall of a modernistic society - the concept of meggings, or leggings for men. "I'm pretty sure that's what did Rome in," he pointed out.
The report will be published in this month's issue of Nylon alongside a full page ad for Kymaro Curve Control Jeans, complete with Photoshopped overweight women who appear to have lost 25 pounds just by donning the specially-designed pants.