Friday | November 28, 2014
We're All Still Here

BOSTON (CAP) - Millions of people the world over woke up this morning to find out that they had woken up this morning as it appears the Mayan doomsday prophecy was incorrect. It's expected that many of those same people will wake up again tomorrow.

"Given the typical mortality rates among the elderly and sick, it stands to reason that at least some people didn't wake up this morning," said CAP News theologian James Stephens. "But even still, as far as doomsday prophecies go, that's a horrendous success rate.

"The credibility of the Mayan people has really taken a hit here, and I'm not sure they'll be able to recover from it," added Stephens. "When the world ends again in 394 years, I doubt anyone will believe it."

Although much of society hugged their loved ones just a little bit longer on Thursday night, not everyone was buying into the hype. Despite overwhelming evidence otherwise, the NFL still scheduled games after December 21 and major league baseball continued to plan for the 2013 season.

"Great, guess I have to go play for the Royals now," said pitcher James Shields, who was recently traded to Kansas City from the Florida Marlins. "How about an asteroid or Biblical flood? Locusts? Anything."

Historians point out that this isn't the first time the world has been let down by a failed doomsday prophecy, recalling how pastor Harold Camping forgot to carry the one when predicting the end of the world in 2011. That led to thousands of people sitting in Chaise Lounges waiting for a rapture that never came.

"Once again, flummoxed by math and a basic understanding of a vigesimal numeral system," said actor and doomsday prophet Alan Thicke. "They may have stymied me with all those dead birds a couple years ago, but mark my words - the end will be here soon!"

CAP News spoke with 47-year-old Manny Despres of Milwaukee, Wisc., the self-professed lone descendant of the Mayan people who has endured months of ridicule at the hands of friends and coworkers, "as if I invented the damn calendar."

"Look, I'm just as disappointed as everyone else that we're still here," Despres said as he showed CAP News the copy of an alimony check he post-dated to December 22. "Now I have to go out and pick up a new B'ak'tun calendar, and you know they're all going to be picked over.

"Well, as my great Maya grampa used to say - Time flies when you're having B'ak'tun."

- CAP News Staff

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Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «»