Tuesday | July 7, 2015
We're All Still Here

BOSTON (CAP) - Millions of people the world over woke up this morning to find out that they had woken up this morning as it appears the Mayan doomsday prophecy was incorrect. It's expected that many of those same people will wake up again tomorrow.

"Given the typical mortality rates among the elderly and sick, it stands to reason that at least some people didn't wake up this morning," said CAP News theologian James Stephens. "But even still, as far as doomsday prophecies go, that's a horrendous success rate.

"The credibility of the Mayan people has really taken a hit here, and I'm not sure they'll be able to recover from it," added Stephens. "When the world ends again in 394 years, I doubt anyone will believe it."

Although much of society hugged their loved ones just a little bit longer on Thursday night, not everyone was buying into the hype. Despite overwhelming evidence otherwise, the NFL still scheduled games after December 21 and major league baseball continued to plan for the 2013 season.

"Great, guess I have to go play for the Royals now," said pitcher James Shields, who was recently traded to Kansas City from the Florida Marlins. "How about an asteroid or Biblical flood? Locusts? Anything."

Historians point out that this isn't the first time the world has been let down by a failed doomsday prophecy, recalling how pastor Harold Camping forgot to carry the one when predicting the end of the world in 2011. That led to thousands of people sitting in Chaise Lounges waiting for a rapture that never came.

"Once again, flummoxed by math and a basic understanding of a vigesimal numeral system," said actor and doomsday prophet Alan Thicke. "They may have stymied me with all those dead birds a couple years ago, but mark my words - the end will be here soon!"

CAP News spoke with 47-year-old Manny Despres of Milwaukee, Wisc., the self-professed lone descendant of the Mayan people who has endured months of ridicule at the hands of friends and coworkers, "as if I invented the damn calendar."

"Look, I'm just as disappointed as everyone else that we're still here," Despres said as he showed CAP News the copy of an alimony check he post-dated to December 22. "Now I have to go out and pick up a new B'ak'tun calendar, and you know they're all going to be picked over.

"Well, as my great Maya grampa used to say - Time flies when you're having B'ak'tun."

- CAP News Staff

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Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»