Sunday | March 29, 2015
We're All Still Here

BOSTON (CAP) - Millions of people the world over woke up this morning to find out that they had woken up this morning as it appears the Mayan doomsday prophecy was incorrect. It's expected that many of those same people will wake up again tomorrow.

"Given the typical mortality rates among the elderly and sick, it stands to reason that at least some people didn't wake up this morning," said CAP News theologian James Stephens. "But even still, as far as doomsday prophecies go, that's a horrendous success rate.

"The credibility of the Mayan people has really taken a hit here, and I'm not sure they'll be able to recover from it," added Stephens. "When the world ends again in 394 years, I doubt anyone will believe it."

Although much of society hugged their loved ones just a little bit longer on Thursday night, not everyone was buying into the hype. Despite overwhelming evidence otherwise, the NFL still scheduled games after December 21 and major league baseball continued to plan for the 2013 season.

"Great, guess I have to go play for the Royals now," said pitcher James Shields, who was recently traded to Kansas City from the Florida Marlins. "How about an asteroid or Biblical flood? Locusts? Anything."

Historians point out that this isn't the first time the world has been let down by a failed doomsday prophecy, recalling how pastor Harold Camping forgot to carry the one when predicting the end of the world in 2011. That led to thousands of people sitting in Chaise Lounges waiting for a rapture that never came.

"Once again, flummoxed by math and a basic understanding of a vigesimal numeral system," said actor and doomsday prophet Alan Thicke. "They may have stymied me with all those dead birds a couple years ago, but mark my words - the end will be here soon!"

CAP News spoke with 47-year-old Manny Despres of Milwaukee, Wisc., the self-professed lone descendant of the Mayan people who has endured months of ridicule at the hands of friends and coworkers, "as if I invented the damn calendar."

"Look, I'm just as disappointed as everyone else that we're still here," Despres said as he showed CAP News the copy of an alimony check he post-dated to December 22. "Now I have to go out and pick up a new B'ak'tun calendar, and you know they're all going to be picked over.

"Well, as my great Maya grampa used to say - Time flies when you're having B'ak'tun."

- CAP News Staff

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A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»