Saturday | January 31, 2015
We're All Still Here

BOSTON (CAP) - Millions of people the world over woke up this morning to find out that they had woken up this morning as it appears the Mayan doomsday prophecy was incorrect. It's expected that many of those same people will wake up again tomorrow.

"Given the typical mortality rates among the elderly and sick, it stands to reason that at least some people didn't wake up this morning," said CAP News theologian James Stephens. "But even still, as far as doomsday prophecies go, that's a horrendous success rate.

"The credibility of the Mayan people has really taken a hit here, and I'm not sure they'll be able to recover from it," added Stephens. "When the world ends again in 394 years, I doubt anyone will believe it."

Although much of society hugged their loved ones just a little bit longer on Thursday night, not everyone was buying into the hype. Despite overwhelming evidence otherwise, the NFL still scheduled games after December 21 and major league baseball continued to plan for the 2013 season.

"Great, guess I have to go play for the Royals now," said pitcher James Shields, who was recently traded to Kansas City from the Florida Marlins. "How about an asteroid or Biblical flood? Locusts? Anything."

Historians point out that this isn't the first time the world has been let down by a failed doomsday prophecy, recalling how pastor Harold Camping forgot to carry the one when predicting the end of the world in 2011. That led to thousands of people sitting in Chaise Lounges waiting for a rapture that never came.

"Once again, flummoxed by math and a basic understanding of a vigesimal numeral system," said actor and doomsday prophet Alan Thicke. "They may have stymied me with all those dead birds a couple years ago, but mark my words - the end will be here soon!"

CAP News spoke with 47-year-old Manny Despres of Milwaukee, Wisc., the self-professed lone descendant of the Mayan people who has endured months of ridicule at the hands of friends and coworkers, "as if I invented the damn calendar."

"Look, I'm just as disappointed as everyone else that we're still here," Despres said as he showed CAP News the copy of an alimony check he post-dated to December 22. "Now I have to go out and pick up a new B'ak'tun calendar, and you know they're all going to be picked over.

"Well, as my great Maya grampa used to say - Time flies when you're having B'ak'tun."

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «»