Monday | November 24, 2014
Osama bin Laden Shoo-In For 2013 Nobel Peace Prize
The Nobel Peace Prize committee lauds the posthumous accomplishments of the former al Qaeda leader.

OSLO, Norway (CAP) - The committee that awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama in 2009 and to the European Union in 2012 is rumored to have earmarked its 2013 recipient of the esteemed award: Osama bin Laden, founder of al-Qaeda, the jihadist organization that claimed responsibility for the September 11 attacks on the United States.

Many took issue with the 2009 and 2012 awards, arguing that Obama and the EU hardly fall within the description laid out by the creator of the Nobel Peace Prize, Alfred Nobel, who specified that the Peace Prize shall be awarded to the person who "shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

However, committee chair Thorbjorn Jagland explained that this description was not meant to be taken overly literally.

"Thanks in large part to Obama, the United States is the biggest world spender on defense, and its current military spending is higher than at any time in its entire history," Jagland said in defense of what were some unlikely past choices by the committee. "Certainly that's made our world a more peaceful place."

With regard to the EU, Jagland stated, "The EU is one of the top manufacturers of armaments worldwide, and a significant number of its member countries are engaged in occupations in Iraq and Afghanistan, all operating to further world peace."

Jagland went on to opine that the contributions of Obama and the EU to world harmony, while impressive, paled in comparison to that of terrorist Osama bin Laden, who, by dying, made the world, and especially New York City, a more peaceful place.

"Some people's world contribution to world peace comes through life," stated the committee chair. "For bin Laden, it came in death."

He added that, quite fittingly, bin Laden's death was remarkably peaceful: he was killed by U.S. Navy SEALs while at home, in his bedroom, unarmed, with no opportunity to resist.

Vowed Jagland, "We intend to honor that in 2013."

- Chrissy Benson
Contributing Writer

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Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «»