Friday | December 19, 2014
Nike Unveils New Slogan: "Born To Die"

BEAVERTON, Ore. (CAP) - Multinational sportswear corporation Nike revealed a new slogan this week in an ad campaign for a line of designer athletic shoes. Public reaction has been mixed, with many critics and consumers alike saying that Nike's bold new motto leaves them feeling "unsettled."

"I mean, it's a true statement - our time on this earth is very limited," said Bill Davis, a Los Angeles advertising executive. "I'm just not sure it really makes you want to go out and buy new shoes.

"Still, I guess it does make you think," Davis noted. "When you get down to it, all of us are marching inexorably into oblivion. Death really is the great equalizer."

Davis wiped his eyes briskly. "Oh, God - excuse me, I need to go spend time with my wife and children," he said, rushing out of his office.

Nike's marketing team reportedly spent months developing this newest campaign, consulting with a wide range of diverse and unconventional focus groups, including a colony of Buddhist monks in a monastery in southern Tibet.

"One idea we were kicking around for a long time was, In the End, Death Takes Us All," said Nike Sales Executive Bill Bryce. "We also liked Make Them Eat Your Dust, Before You All Inevitably Become Dust.

"But we thought those weren't quite catchy enough," Bryce added. "Nike is known for its dynamic, pithy phrasings, and there was a lot of pressure on us to live up to our most widely-known motto, Just Do It."

Added Bryce, "Ultimately our goal with this Born To Die campaign was twofold: to remind customers that Nike makes excellent athletic shoes, and to urge them to acknowledge the fact that existence is fragile and can end at any moment.

"Frankly, I think we managed to do both very well," he said.

Bryce later reiterated that the shoes in the new line also come in a variety of great colors.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»