Thursday | April 2, 2015
Government Drowns Grover Norquist In Bathtub

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. Federal Government was arrested and charged with manslaughter after the body of conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist was found this week at his home in Washington, D.C.

Police on the scene confirmed that Norquist had in fact been drowned in his own bathtub and that foul play was suspected.

Investigators say the Federal Government was the last known entity to have seen Norquist alive. Several neighbors recalled seeing the two part ways after a reportedly hostile encounter just outside the Norquist residence shortly before the murder was believed to have taken place.

Friends and relatives are devastated by the news.

"At least I know Grover would have wanted it this way," one grieving relative told the press. He paused before adding, "Wait ... actually, no. He would have wanted it the exact opposite of this way. Nevermind."

Norquist's surviving family members are expected to sue the Federal Government regardless of whether the case goes to trial.

According to the family attorney, Norquist had long been concerned by the relative size and strength of the U.S. government and he had begun to harbor the fear that it was somehow "out to get him." In recent months Norquist had joined a gym and several colleagues have stated that he mentioned to them that he was looking to "bulk up."

"I told him he was being paranoid, that he was completely safe from the Federal Government," one longtime friend told CAP News. "But now I realize that he was right all along. I should have listened to him."

Another close relative noted that Norquist had long predicted this encounter.

"He knew there would ultimately be a showdown," she said. "A lot of people were on his side, and I think most of us thought he would win, but I guess we were wrong."

A lawyer representing the Federal Government told reporters that his client had no comment, just before winking and giving a thumbs-up to local news cameras.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»