Sunday | December 21, 2014
Government Drowns Grover Norquist In Bathtub

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. Federal Government was arrested and charged with manslaughter after the body of conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist was found this week at his home in Washington, D.C.

Police on the scene confirmed that Norquist had in fact been drowned in his own bathtub and that foul play was suspected.

Investigators say the Federal Government was the last known entity to have seen Norquist alive. Several neighbors recalled seeing the two part ways after a reportedly hostile encounter just outside the Norquist residence shortly before the murder was believed to have taken place.

Friends and relatives are devastated by the news.

"At least I know Grover would have wanted it this way," one grieving relative told the press. He paused before adding, "Wait ... actually, no. He would have wanted it the exact opposite of this way. Nevermind."

Norquist's surviving family members are expected to sue the Federal Government regardless of whether the case goes to trial.

According to the family attorney, Norquist had long been concerned by the relative size and strength of the U.S. government and he had begun to harbor the fear that it was somehow "out to get him." In recent months Norquist had joined a gym and several colleagues have stated that he mentioned to them that he was looking to "bulk up."

"I told him he was being paranoid, that he was completely safe from the Federal Government," one longtime friend told CAP News. "But now I realize that he was right all along. I should have listened to him."

Another close relative noted that Norquist had long predicted this encounter.

"He knew there would ultimately be a showdown," she said. "A lot of people were on his side, and I think most of us thought he would win, but I guess we were wrong."

A lawyer representing the Federal Government told reporters that his client had no comment, just before winking and giving a thumbs-up to local news cameras.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «»