Sunday | November 23, 2014
Government Drowns Grover Norquist In Bathtub

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. Federal Government was arrested and charged with manslaughter after the body of conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist was found this week at his home in Washington, D.C.

Police on the scene confirmed that Norquist had in fact been drowned in his own bathtub and that foul play was suspected.

Investigators say the Federal Government was the last known entity to have seen Norquist alive. Several neighbors recalled seeing the two part ways after a reportedly hostile encounter just outside the Norquist residence shortly before the murder was believed to have taken place.

Friends and relatives are devastated by the news.

"At least I know Grover would have wanted it this way," one grieving relative told the press. He paused before adding, "Wait ... actually, no. He would have wanted it the exact opposite of this way. Nevermind."

Norquist's surviving family members are expected to sue the Federal Government regardless of whether the case goes to trial.

According to the family attorney, Norquist had long been concerned by the relative size and strength of the U.S. government and he had begun to harbor the fear that it was somehow "out to get him." In recent months Norquist had joined a gym and several colleagues have stated that he mentioned to them that he was looking to "bulk up."

"I told him he was being paranoid, that he was completely safe from the Federal Government," one longtime friend told CAP News. "But now I realize that he was right all along. I should have listened to him."

Another close relative noted that Norquist had long predicted this encounter.

"He knew there would ultimately be a showdown," she said. "A lot of people were on his side, and I think most of us thought he would win, but I guess we were wrong."

A lawyer representing the Federal Government told reporters that his client had no comment, just before winking and giving a thumbs-up to local news cameras.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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