Tuesday | April 21, 2015
Government Drowns Grover Norquist In Bathtub

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. Federal Government was arrested and charged with manslaughter after the body of conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist was found this week at his home in Washington, D.C.

Police on the scene confirmed that Norquist had in fact been drowned in his own bathtub and that foul play was suspected.

Investigators say the Federal Government was the last known entity to have seen Norquist alive. Several neighbors recalled seeing the two part ways after a reportedly hostile encounter just outside the Norquist residence shortly before the murder was believed to have taken place.

Friends and relatives are devastated by the news.

"At least I know Grover would have wanted it this way," one grieving relative told the press. He paused before adding, "Wait ... actually, no. He would have wanted it the exact opposite of this way. Nevermind."

Norquist's surviving family members are expected to sue the Federal Government regardless of whether the case goes to trial.

According to the family attorney, Norquist had long been concerned by the relative size and strength of the U.S. government and he had begun to harbor the fear that it was somehow "out to get him." In recent months Norquist had joined a gym and several colleagues have stated that he mentioned to them that he was looking to "bulk up."

"I told him he was being paranoid, that he was completely safe from the Federal Government," one longtime friend told CAP News. "But now I realize that he was right all along. I should have listened to him."

Another close relative noted that Norquist had long predicted this encounter.

"He knew there would ultimately be a showdown," she said. "A lot of people were on his side, and I think most of us thought he would win, but I guess we were wrong."

A lawyer representing the Federal Government told reporters that his client had no comment, just before winking and giving a thumbs-up to local news cameras.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «»