Friday | January 30, 2015
Pats' Gronkowski Receives Bionic Forearm Implant
A blurry cell phone pic captures Gronk watching his teammates during a mid-week practice.

BOSTON (CAP) - New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has become the NFL's first bionic player following an experimental surgical procedure after breaking his left arm during a game against the Indianapolis Colts.

Doctors say the arm now has the equivalent strength of a bulldozer.

"Gentlemen, doctors told me they could rebuild him because they have the technology," coach Bill Belichick said during a mid-afternoon conference call. "We're not sure when Gronk will return, but when he does, he'll be better than he was before.

"Better. Stronger. Faster," added Belichick.

CAP News sources inside the hospital said Gronkowski also received two bionic legs, allowing him to run at tremendous speed and make great leaps. In addition, his left eye was swapped out for a bionic one with a 20.2:1 zoom lens, an infrared filter, and the ability to view objects thrown too fast for the normal eye to see.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «»
Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «»