Wednesday | November 26, 2014
Romney Blames Election Loss On His "Lazy" Son
Mitt decries the role - or lack thereof - played by Lazy Son, who he says was instrumental in his campaign loss.

BOSTON (CAP) - Throughout the election campaign, Mitt Romney's five sons, Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and Craig, played an essential role in helping their father get the word out. But a dark rumor being leaked today suggests that Romney is a little disappointed with one of them.

"He's pissed," said Brian Jones, a campaign strategist. "He's never asked much from those boys and has always been a good father. This was their time to give back. One of them didn't."

Each son brought their own touch to the campaign trail. Craig is fluent in Spanish and appealed to the Hispanic community, Josh gave speeches, Matt kept things light on the trail, Tagg worked social media, and Ben, the only one not to go into business (a radiology student), occasionally helped out, though he mostly shied away from the spotlight. Sources suspect it's Ben.

"I don't think anyone should be playing the blame game," said Heather Martin, a campaign fundraiser. "Those boys did what they could. Besides, I didn't see Obama's daughters doing a single thing. So what if they're young?"

Unlike Meghan McCain, election results indicate that Romney's sons actually pulled in voters, but needed a bigger push.

"When you look at the numbers," said Bryce Morgan, a statistician, "it shows that Romney would have defeated Obama - if one of the brothers did just a little more work."

Morgan said he wasn't quite sure who Romney is mad at. "It's gotta be Ben, though. He's the only one with blond hair. That creates a distance."

Romney has refused to comment on the matter and finds the speculation ridiculous. His entire family joined him for a recent press conference.

"I'm not going to say which one let me down," said Romney, glaring at Ben. "Not going to say which one."

Sources indicate that Ben Romney has been grounded.

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «»