Tuesday | December 6, 2016
With Election Over, Nation Returns Focus To Halo 4
President Obama tells supporters not to ask what Master Chief can do for you, but what you can do for Master Chief.

KIRKLAND, Wash. (CAP) - After a grueling few months of aggressive advertising, social media chatter, and rising tensions leading up to November 6, the nation has finally made its decision: Halo 4 is awesome.

The Xbox game was released to enthusiastic crowds early last week, who braved long lines to get their chance to save the world.

"I've been looking forward to November 6 all year," said Peter Mackey, a student. "You rarely get this kind of opportunity. They've only made like four of them."

Halo 4 was produced by 343 Industries, a subsidiary of Microsoft. It follows the trials and tribulations of Master Chief, the hero who fights alien intruders and saves the earth.

"I totally relate to Master Chief," said Mark Fichtner, a gamer. "I just get the sense that he cares about me, you know?"

The game sold millions of copies in days and is receiving rave reviews.

"We were nervously watching the numbers all day," said Chris Morgan, a PR agent at Microsoft. "Things just kept getting better and better. I don't think Apple is too happy about it, but fuck those guys."

Some purchased Halo 4 by mail, having made their decision weeks ago.

"I couldn't wait to make my impact and buy a copy," said Dale Matheson, a student. "I've been waiting ever since I was a kid, which was a couple years ago. Every Xbox fan has a duty to buy one."

Not intending to change the subject, CAP News asked Halo 4 fans if they voted.

"Of course I vote. I vote for maps all the time in multiplayer mode," said Anthony Parker, a father of two. "You can't sit these things out."

Parker then realized his mistake. "Oh shit, you meant the election," he said. "Who won? I've been playing Halo all week."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Audubon Society study finds today's young birds less disciplined than their elders, flying south in U formation or incongruous amoeba-like shapes «» Forecasters say Hurricane Joaquin expected to transform from a coherent, sensible storm to a rambling, meandering mess as it drifts into obscurity north through the Atlantic «» Online petition gathers 50,000 signatures to ask NASA to schedule next super moon full moon lunar eclipse for a Saturday night, or at least earlier in the evening «» NSA officials say Chinese hackers to blame for tens of thousands of American Instagram posts not getting as many likes as they should, resulting in unnecessary hard feelings among friends «» Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «»