Wednesday | July 29, 2015
With Election Over, Nation Returns Focus To Halo 4
President Obama tells supporters not to ask what Master Chief can do for you, but what you can do for Master Chief.

KIRKLAND, Wash. (CAP) - After a grueling few months of aggressive advertising, social media chatter, and rising tensions leading up to November 6, the nation has finally made its decision: Halo 4 is awesome.

The Xbox game was released to enthusiastic crowds early last week, who braved long lines to get their chance to save the world.

"I've been looking forward to November 6 all year," said Peter Mackey, a student. "You rarely get this kind of opportunity. They've only made like four of them."

Halo 4 was produced by 343 Industries, a subsidiary of Microsoft. It follows the trials and tribulations of Master Chief, the hero who fights alien intruders and saves the earth.

"I totally relate to Master Chief," said Mark Fichtner, a gamer. "I just get the sense that he cares about me, you know?"

The game sold millions of copies in days and is receiving rave reviews.

"We were nervously watching the numbers all day," said Chris Morgan, a PR agent at Microsoft. "Things just kept getting better and better. I don't think Apple is too happy about it, but fuck those guys."

Some purchased Halo 4 by mail, having made their decision weeks ago.

"I couldn't wait to make my impact and buy a copy," said Dale Matheson, a student. "I've been waiting ever since I was a kid, which was a couple years ago. Every Xbox fan has a duty to buy one."

Not intending to change the subject, CAP News asked Halo 4 fans if they voted.

"Of course I vote. I vote for maps all the time in multiplayer mode," said Anthony Parker, a father of two. "You can't sit these things out."

Parker then realized his mistake. "Oh shit, you meant the election," he said. "Who won? I've been playing Halo all week."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»