Thursday | March 5, 2015
With Election Over, Nation Returns Focus To Halo 4
President Obama tells supporters not to ask what Master Chief can do for you, but what you can do for Master Chief.

KIRKLAND, Wash. (CAP) - After a grueling few months of aggressive advertising, social media chatter, and rising tensions leading up to November 6, the nation has finally made its decision: Halo 4 is awesome.

The Xbox game was released to enthusiastic crowds early last week, who braved long lines to get their chance to save the world.

"I've been looking forward to November 6 all year," said Peter Mackey, a student. "You rarely get this kind of opportunity. They've only made like four of them."

Halo 4 was produced by 343 Industries, a subsidiary of Microsoft. It follows the trials and tribulations of Master Chief, the hero who fights alien intruders and saves the earth.

"I totally relate to Master Chief," said Mark Fichtner, a gamer. "I just get the sense that he cares about me, you know?"

The game sold millions of copies in days and is receiving rave reviews.

"We were nervously watching the numbers all day," said Chris Morgan, a PR agent at Microsoft. "Things just kept getting better and better. I don't think Apple is too happy about it, but fuck those guys."

Some purchased Halo 4 by mail, having made their decision weeks ago.

"I couldn't wait to make my impact and buy a copy," said Dale Matheson, a student. "I've been waiting ever since I was a kid, which was a couple years ago. Every Xbox fan has a duty to buy one."

Not intending to change the subject, CAP News asked Halo 4 fans if they voted.

"Of course I vote. I vote for maps all the time in multiplayer mode," said Anthony Parker, a father of two. "You can't sit these things out."

Parker then realized his mistake. "Oh shit, you meant the election," he said. "Who won? I've been playing Halo all week."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»