Saturday | January 31, 2015
With Election Over, Nation Returns Focus To Halo 4
President Obama tells supporters not to ask what Master Chief can do for you, but what you can do for Master Chief.

KIRKLAND, Wash. (CAP) - After a grueling few months of aggressive advertising, social media chatter, and rising tensions leading up to November 6, the nation has finally made its decision: Halo 4 is awesome.

The Xbox game was released to enthusiastic crowds early last week, who braved long lines to get their chance to save the world.

"I've been looking forward to November 6 all year," said Peter Mackey, a student. "You rarely get this kind of opportunity. They've only made like four of them."

Halo 4 was produced by 343 Industries, a subsidiary of Microsoft. It follows the trials and tribulations of Master Chief, the hero who fights alien intruders and saves the earth.

"I totally relate to Master Chief," said Mark Fichtner, a gamer. "I just get the sense that he cares about me, you know?"

The game sold millions of copies in days and is receiving rave reviews.

"We were nervously watching the numbers all day," said Chris Morgan, a PR agent at Microsoft. "Things just kept getting better and better. I don't think Apple is too happy about it, but fuck those guys."

Some purchased Halo 4 by mail, having made their decision weeks ago.

"I couldn't wait to make my impact and buy a copy," said Dale Matheson, a student. "I've been waiting ever since I was a kid, which was a couple years ago. Every Xbox fan has a duty to buy one."

Not intending to change the subject, CAP News asked Halo 4 fans if they voted.

"Of course I vote. I vote for maps all the time in multiplayer mode," said Anthony Parker, a father of two. "You can't sit these things out."

Parker then realized his mistake. "Oh shit, you meant the election," he said. "Who won? I've been playing Halo all week."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»