Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Historic Week Passes With No GOP Rape Comments
Something to be proud of, boys; something to be proud of.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Americans celebrated a significant milestone today when it was confirmed that an entire week had elapsed without the media reporting a single horrifying rape-related comment from a conservative politician.

"I honestly can't remember the last time more than a day or two went by without some gray-haired male Senate candidate making a totally batshit statement about rape," said Missouri resident Bruce Andrews.

"For a while it seemed like almost every news cycle brought us a new and increasingly outlandish opinion on what has long been considered a fairly straightforward concept," he said. "I almost have the urge to blurt something crazy about how the right to rape is protected by the Constitution, just to fill the void."

He added, "Oh God, did I just say that? What the hell is wrong with me?!"

Many Americans have welcomed the chance to focus on other issues, or at least the chance to turn on the news without hearing pundits discuss comments like Wisconsin state Rep. Roger Rivard's observation that "some girls rape easy" or Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock's statement that pregnancy from rape was "something God intended" or Washington congressional candidate John Koster saying he opposes abortions, even in cases of "the rape thing."

"Legitimate rape, forcible rape - frankly, it's exhausting keeping up with our constantly growing lexicon of descriptive terms for rape," said linguistics professor Lillian Fink. "It's certainly been nice to have a brief respite from all of that.

"After this week, I feel refreshed," she added. "In fact, I think that when the next terrifyingly callous, scientifically inaccurate or patronizing rape-related comment is reported, I'll be ready to dive right back into the semantics and outrage."

Political analyst Thom Guthrie told CAP News that he does not expect the silence to continue for very long. "Every time I log onto CNN.com I half expect to read about a Tea Party candidate's statement that rape is not that big a deal because certain species of animals rape each other, hello, or something similarly idiotic," he said.

"I can just tell it's coming, and soon. It's been too quiet on the crazy-rape-comment front, and I think the worst is far from over. You might even say that we're in the eye of the rape-storm," he said. "Please don't print that. I don't know where it came from."

In fact, immediately following Guthrie's interview, Georgia state Rep. Terry England claimed during a speech for Romney in Ohio that "rape creates jobs."

"Or is it that taxes rape job-creators?" he said. "Well, either way."

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»