Sunday | April 26, 2015
Chris Christie Praises Sen. Scott Brown, Eats Him
Christie calls out for some drawn butter before polishing off the Mass. senator.

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (CAP) - Sen. Scott Brown was joined yesterday on the campaign trail in Framingham by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, one of the nation's leading champions of balanced budgets and government reform.

There, Christie praised Brown's bipartisan record and his ability to work with Democrats to solve problems, and then swallowed him whole.

Witnesses say Christie extolled Brown's bipartisan efforts in the Senate, and then unhinged his jaw, not unlike a giant, corpulent serpent, and ate Brown from the head down, slowly drawing the senator into his tremendous gullet and digesting him over a period of several hours.

Christie, who was named the "least scary" and "fattest" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll in August of 2011, has only rarely eaten his fellow Republicans, but today reportedly went on stage hungry after missing his usual lunch of 2,625 pounds of zooplankton.

"I really respect Christie's positions on fiscal issues," noted Cyndi Carlson of Sherborn, Mass., who added that she'd been undecided until Christie's endorsement prompted her to go for Brown. "Until Christie ate him, that is. I guess I'll have to vote for Elizabeth Warren now."

Though he had endorsed Brown's opponent Martha Coakley during the last Senate campaign, Ted Kennedy's reanimated corpse has yet to comment on the current contest.

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»