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Armstrong-Funded Cancer Research Destroyed
AUSTIN (CAP) - This week several of the nation's largest cancer-research institutes announced the closing of all facilities funded to any extent by the Lance Armstrong Foundation, along with the systematic demolishing of any advancements those labs may have made in the fight to prevent and treat cancer.
"Since Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and has stepped down in disgrace from his position as chairman of the Lance Armstrong Foundation, we feel that the efforts of those researchers his organization has funded have been likewise discredited," said Alan Ladd, a representative of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute.
"We are currently working to ensure that any treatment findings supported by his foundation are immediately and permanently obliterated," Ladd added.
Ladd noted that in the future, if additional donations can be obtained from other sources, identical research and studies may be conducted again, hopefully with the same results.
"It just might set things back a few decades in R&D," he said. "But at least if we rediscover all those treatments, our results won't be overshadowed by that nasty doping business."
Scientist Ron Byers, an employee of the the Cancer Prevention and Research Institute of Texas, described a scene of devastation last week during which the institute's lab technicians were instructed to "grab armfuls of test tubes and trays of cultures and just smash them all on the floor," and to "take laptops and servers that were storing mountains of priceless data into the parking lot and beat them with hammers."
"Years of painstaking research; enormous breakthroughs and technological advancements in the field of cancer treatment - all gone in twenty minutes," he said sadly. "The loss of knowledge is heartbreaking. Although I have to admit, it was kind of fun hitting things with hammers."
Added Byers, "I can't even tell you how close we were to beating cancer forever - too bad Lance Armstrong had to go and ruin everything. I hope he and all those cancer patients who will end up with limited and less effective treatment options are happy now."
In fact, many former cancer patients who were treated using methods funded by the Lance Armstrong Foundation have expressed regret at their association with an organization whose founder has turned out to be so deeply flawed.
"I'm alive today because of advances in cancer research funded in part by Armstrong's organization," said Judy Parish, a breast cancer survivor from Falls Church, VA. "But since he maybe cheated during those bike races, can you honestly tell me that my life is even worth anything anymore?"
The Lance Armstrong Foundation has reportedly offered to use its resources to aid in the spread of cancer wherever possible as an additional form of reparation.
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