Wednesday | April 16, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@DickCostolo #NoCommercialBreaks
Twitter's new throwback radio that mixes in static with the music streaming for a 'real feel' experience.
FROM THE VAULT
April 12, 2006
U.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To IranU.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To Iran
Fake Advertisement

WALL STREET

Spam Futures Decline On Weaker Demand For Cialis

Spam Futures Decline On Weaker Demand For Cialis

NEW YORK (CAP) - Unsolicited commercial email futures fell sharply in early delivery today as spam traders reported lower than expected earnings from the standard slate of products and services typically offered via such practices. Weakening demand for weight loss pills, cialis and free credit scores is forcing the industry to rethink its approach.

"It's the experienced spammer who can ride the cyclical trends of the marketplace and knows when it's time to stop selling acai berry and start pushing raspberry ketone," said industry analyst Marc Holmstein. "Woe to the internet marketer who's still filling inboxes with offers for ink jet cartridges - that ship sailed a decade ago."

Simple mail transfer protocol delivery success rates were lower than expected at the closing bell yesterday, leading the American Registry for Internet Numbers to reduce growth forecasts for the East Asia and Pacific region. Speculation that a slowdown in email viruses originating in China could dip worldwide markets into a false sense of security fueled concerns of a slow recovery.

"Nigeria has stepped up where China has backed down," said CAP News Internet Expert Randall Kiper. "Consumers may be seeing fewer Chinese viruses, but Nigerian royalty are coming out of the woodwork looking for overseas bank accounts into which to transfer their fortunes.

"It's a market of attention, so the question is - can Nigeria outdo lower auto rates and Olive Garden gift cards?" questioned Kiper. "I say not when there's also a free iPad offer staring me in the face. You can't compete with that."

Spam rallied last week after a slow start thanks to a late push by Canadian pharmaceutical companies, but analysts warn against expecting a similar turnaround this week as blacklist efforts climbed to their highest level in three quarters.

"We might be in rough shape today, but I think it's misleading to rely solely on current spam futures," warned Holmstein. "Upward trends in the spambot and other botnet commodities markets are more of an indicator of where we'll be three months from now - naked and full of spam."

Holmstein also pointed out that too many analysts are ignoring the long-term porn market, where volatility with high-yield non-junk porn has led to lower than expected growth forecasts among first-time porn buyers. However, he noted that interest rates remain high for short-term porn, which could help spam pull out of its downward spiral.

"And when you're dealing in long-term porn, you have to know when to pull out," said Holmstein. "That's just good business."

Spam stocks edged slightly higher today on word that consumers can date local women in their area tonight or refinance their mortgage for as low as 2.62% all with just the click of a mouse.


- CAP News Staff

MORE business NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»