Thursday | January 29, 2015
Apple Apologizes After New iPhones Urge Users To Kill
Tim Cook explains how users have to enter their Apple ID in order to access the native murder app, thus ensuring minors are protected.

CUPERTINO, Calif. (CAP) - Apple CEO Tim Cook apologized today for the new iPhone mapping software, which has been criticized for flaws such as misrouted directions and urging iPhone users to "Kill ... Kill ... Kill" in an eerie, high-pitched voice.

"We are extremely sorry for the frustration this has caused our customers and we are doing everything we can to make Maps better, and less likely to spur users to homicide," Cook said in a letter to customers posted today on the company's website.

Apple's decision to build its own navigation application reflects a widening rift with Google Inc., whose Google Maps program had resulted in only the rare fatality, usually when an irate user bludgeoned a Google worker attempting to plant a camera for the Living Room View feature.

While the new software developed by Apple adds features such as turn-by-turn navigation, it is widely faulted for unreliable landmark searches, routes that get users lost and an almost hypnotic influence to murder.

"Dude, it was pretty scary," said iPhone user Josh Carlisle, 23, of Freehold, N.J. "I was looking up directions to the N.J. Skateshop in Sayreville, and next thing I know, I'm trying to strangle my mother." Fortunately, Carlisle's mother was able to snap her son out of his trance by spraying him in the face with his own can of Red Bull.

Others haven't been so lucky, according to FBI Special Agent Carl Bender, who says his agency has tracked more than 200 murders - primarily strangling, stabbings, bludgeonings and people who had an iPhone crammed into their windpipes - that can be traced directly to the iPhone Maps problem.

Oddly enough, though, the problem hasn't hurt sales of the new iPhone 5, which has sold more than 3 million units since the problem came to light last week. And of the 5 million units sold prior to that, only eight have been returned.

"And for six of those, it was because they'd just gotten overly excited and bought two," said Cook. "Or in some cases three."

Asked if the fact that it could cause him to kill his mother or other close family members might make him want to exchange his iPhone for another type of smart phone, Carlisle responded by saying, "Actually, I've been thinking about getting a Blackberry." Then he burst out laughing so hard that he had to lie down.

"Dude! Are you crazy? Give up my iPhone?" he added, pointing out that the iPhone 5 is the best idea anyone's had since the reboot of the Spider-Man reboot. "I'm OK with the whole murdering thing."

And "at least it hasn't caught on fire yet," noted Jason Knowlton, 22, of Cambridge, Mass., another Apple enthusiast who recently recovered from temporary blindness caused when his iPad shot flames into his face. "Not that I wouldn't be totally cool with that."

Cook said that the problem should be worked out shortly, or at least in time for the release of the iPhone 6 some time in 2014. In the meantime, he said anyone compelled to murder someone by his or her iPhone will receive a $15 gift card to the iTunes store.

"Sweet!" responded Carlisle, who immediately started searching for more directions.

- CAP News Staff

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «»