Sunday | April 19, 2015
Obama Sorry That Mitt Romney Is Such An Asshole
President Obama speaks to a group of apologists on The Sorry Tour 2012.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Apparently continuing what GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has dubbed the president's "apology tour," Barack Obama has officially apologized on behalf of himself and the United States of America that Mitt Romney is such an asshole.

"I feel truly sorry that the right is so desperate to remove me from office that they have unleashed this total asshole on the country, and in fact the world," said Obama in a prepared statement released by the White House. "I can't help but feel some personal responsibility, and for that I am sorry."

Obama reiterated the statement yesterday, apologizing to a crowd in Wisconsin yesterday for Romney's "outright assholery."

"Believe me, no one feels worse about this asshole than I do," said the president.

Romney recently made headlines when the U.S. embassy in Egypt released a statement regarding unrest there, just prior to the deadly attacks on the embassy in Libya. Romney accused President Obama of apologizing to the attackers through the statement, even though it did not come from President Obama, contained no apologies, and was released before the attack.

"It's never too early to accuse President Obama of apologizing for American values, because you know that eventually he will get around to doing that," said Romney. "President Obama's imaginary behavior was disgraceful, and I'm going to keep saying that until people believe it, or until Nov. 7, whichever comes first."

Then Romney said "President Obama's is disgraceful ... disgraceful ... disgraceful," his head twitching back and forth as if he were caught in a vaguely robotic behavior loop.

"What an asshole," said everybody in the room.

It has been widely suspected that Romney was an asshole from the time he dropped out of the 2008 presidential race, saying, "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror." His insinuation was that weakening John McCain's chances increased the likelihood of an Obama or Hillary Clinton win, which was tantamount to installing al Qaeda operatives directly into the White House.

"Can you believe this asshole?" said Hillary Clinton at the time.

During the current campaign, Romney has been called an asshole when he condemned gay marriage while addressing PFLAG, when he promised to move the U.S. in a new direction via tugboats, and when he claimed not to have been hiding under a desk at a focus group meeting, despite being caught there by more than a dozen people.

"I am so sorry you have to put up with two more months of this asshole," reiterated President Obama.

"Try living with him," responded Ann Romney, who says she's still on the fence when it comes to her choice in the November election. "What an asshole."

At a Romney rally in Ohio, meanwhile, an unidentified dog, possibly planted at the event by operatives from PETA, peed on him.

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «»