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INT'L POLITICS
Japan To Buy China For Reported $2.6 Billion
TOKYO (CAP) - The Japanese government has confirmed media reports that their country does indeed plan to buy the nation of China for just over 200 billion yen ($2.6 billion), ending weeks of speculation that the world's most populous country would instead be dismantled and sold for parts to Internet giants Google, Facebook and George Takei.
"At first, we just plan to buy tiny island," Japanese Deputy Prime Minister Katsuya Okada said, referring to the recent Senkaku Islands purchase. "But then we see how mad China get, so we say fruck it, let's just buy whole country.
"Stick that in your eggroll and smoke it," Okada added.
With the acquisition, Japan would find itself in control of most of the world's best Olympic divers, the lion's share of Western debt, and a majority of the world's smog. Officials said right now they don't have anywhere to put their new country, so for the time being China will just stay where it is.
"You think America have tough time telling Asians apart now, wait till we combine both country," said Japanese Min. of Internal Affairs Tatsuo Kawabata. "We have to make sure Chinese belly have stars upon thars so we know which one is what one and what one is who."
In response, the Chinese government has vowed to blow up the entire country if the sale goes through, leaving nothing but hectares of barren wasteland to the new owners. Japanese officials said that's pretty much what they planned to do anyway, a process being dubbed Plunder & Purge.
"It like putting too many egg in cake batter so you throw batter out and start over," said Kawabata. "But first you lick spoon. Always you lick spoon."
Although paperwork for the sale has yet to be completed, Japan is already putting together plans for a giant fire sale, offering world and business leaders huge discount prices on all things China. In fact, Cambodia has already placed a bid on a couple of counterfeit Apple Computer manufacturing plants to help bolster its own fledgling sweatshop economy, saying that "Japan even agreed to throw in dozens of underpaid workers for nothing."
The United States has also reportedly been in negotiations with Japan for a cut-rate price on a stretch of the Great Wall, with CAP News sources inside the State Department noting that "it'll go great on the Mexican-American border." However, some GOP lawmakers are expressing concern over what this sale could do to the American economy.
"Everything we own is made in China," said Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA). "Imagine how much all our shit will cost if we have to make it ourselves?
"Especially those little flammable American flags everyone gets on July 4th," Rohrabacher added. "If Japan is allowed to proceed with this sale, the American economy - nay, American patriotism - will take an enormous hit."
Censored news reports out of China say the Chinese people are none the wiser to the sale, with the bulk of that country's citizenry too busy "living life to the fullest and celebrating the many freedoms bestowed upon them" to take heed of so petty an issue.
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