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Paul Ryan Proposes Non-Voter ID Laws
NEW YORK (CAP) - At a fundraiser in New York City's East Village, Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan announced that while he is not particularly concerned about voter fraud, he is extremely concerned about non-voter fraud.
For that reason, Ryan told the crowd of vaguely anti-establishment American citizens, he has proposed legislation requiring that anyone who does not intend to vote in the upcoming presidential election meet certain rigorous requirements aimed at eliminating non-voting fraud.
"I respect and support the decision of people who recognize that they're too ignorant, too uninformed, too broke or too retarded to choose who their new president should be," Ryan said. "In fact, I'm glad these individuals are leaving the important political decisions to people - well, people like me.
"That said, we can't ignore non-voter fraud," Ryan added. "We simply can't risk the fate of our nation to people who are so disillusioned with the present system that they don't want to participate in any capacity."
Under Ryan's proposed legislation, non-voters will be required to appear at voting polls the day before the election where they will need to present valid, government-issued identification. Non-voters will then be fitted with an electronic ankle bracelet that will track their geographic location over the next 48 hours, ensuring that they remain at least 1.2 miles away from any registered voting center.
Upon the expiration of that 48-hour period, non-voters will have the option of returning their ankle bracelets or keeping them, in which case they will continue to be tracked by police and homeland security officials to verify that they are not involved in terrorist activities.
"It seems pretty evident that non-terrorist non-voters should be more than happy to demonstrate their lack of involvement in anti-government activities by wearing an ankle bracelet indefinitely," noted Ryan.
New Yorkers' response to Ryan's proposal was mixed, with some like 28-year-old Kim Parker saying that not voting is the way she votes. She noted the ankle bracelet makes a great conversation starter, plus "I'd love to meet more non-voters," she said. "Besides, anything for free jewelry, right?"
"I just don't care enough to vote," said 30-year non-voter Malcolm Chase. "But I also don't care enough about not voting to go to all this trouble not to vote. So this new law would leave me in kind of a Catch-22 situation. It could actually turn me into a voter, just out of sheer laziness."
Ryan added that non-voting identification requirements will be somewhat relaxed for women, vegetarians and racial minorities sinc caucasian, college-educated, heterosexual men generally have access to traditional forms of identification. As such, he said non-voting will remain a viable option for anyone with a CVS card or an unpaid electric bill.
"We always talk about increasing citizens' levels of civic engagement," Ryan opined. "But for some people, less civic engagement is desirable."
Ryan's announcement left 55-year-old Annabelle Hayes shaking her head in awe. "He's given me - all of us - a lot to think about. Paul Ryan is clearly more than just a pretty face."
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