- Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
- Study Suggests Stonehenge Was Prehistoric McDonald's
- Wolfgang Van Halen Sick Of Being Hit On By 45-Yr-Olds
New Auto Standards Call For Flying Cars, Lasers
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Hot on the heels of new federal fuel-economy and carbon-emission guidelines comes word that automakers will have even tougher standards to meet beyond 2025. Among the new requirements are such things as multi-variant aerial mobility, child safety anti-bicker glass, and shopping cart crumple zones.
"My opponent has called my position on fuel-efficiency standards extreme," President Obama told supporters at a recent campaign stop in Virginia. "I suppose it's also extreme to require that cars come equipped with lasers. So you can, you know, zap things.
"I'd like my opponent to tell me how the American driver will be able to zap things if cars don't come equipped with lasers," Obama added. "I'll tell you how: not very easily, that's how."
The Obama administration's plan, which covers automobile model years 2026-2035, calls for 40% of all cars sold in America to be capable of flying and 75% of those cars to have laser-inclusion options, because "what fun is driving a flying car if you can't zap things with lasers?"
Republican strategists who were quick to criticize the new fuel economy standards were at a loss to combat the president's latest calls for innovation, acknowledging that flying cars and lasers do go hand in hand. However, GOP nominee Mitt Romney said he would reconsider the requirement, instead seeking "a better way to allow Americans to zap things" than relying solely on "giant fricking lasers."
"The president tells voters that his fuel regulations will save them thousands of dollars at the pump," Romney told The Detroit News. "Which they will then turn around and spend recharging their lasers. The only way anyone can afford that is if they have an offshore bank account and avoid paying back taxes.
"I mean, I imagine that's the only way someone could afford it," he added. "It's just, you know, conjecture. Nobody actually does that, I'm sure."
Romney noted that under Republican guidance, the government is already subsidizing manufacturing for the Swiss Army SUV, which is toted as providing a practical and economical solution to fuel efficiency concerns, plus comes standard with free nail clippers. However, government officials say Obama's plan brings the auto industry into the 21st century.
"I was on a website that showed me what date in the future Marty McFly went to in Back To The Future and that date was today," said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. "We may not have hovercraft skateboards or coats that dry themselves, but goshdarnit, we are going to have flying cars if it's the last thing this administration does."
Insurance companies quick to monetize any driving situation beyond the norm have yet to announce a pricing structure for flying cars, but say they do plan to jack up premiums and decrease coverage areas, a practice known as legitimate rape.
"Someone has to take advantage of all the money consumers will be saving at the pump," said one insurance company spokesperson. "We just have to make sure to beat the oil companies to it."
- Banner Stands» Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
- Prom Dresses 2013» Searching for the perfect dress to wear on your big night? Take a look from these styles who top the best-dressed lists all the time!