SATIRE

A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us." «» After successfully growing a kidney in a laboratory, scientists at Mass. General Hospital have now also managed to grow a pair, a breakthrough expected to help men overcome their fear of women. "Imagine approaching women of your own volition without alcohol," said one scientist. "You're just one organ transplant away." «» North Dakota is now banning all abortions after six weeks, a move expected to boost the state's sagging population. "Lots of people leave the state because of stupid laws like this," said Gov. Jack Dalrymple. "So we need stupid laws like this to replenish our numbers. It's quite the Catch-22." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «»

A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us." «» After successfully growing a kidney in a laboratory, scientists at Mass. General Hospital have now also managed to grow a pair, a breakthrough expected to help men overcome their fear of women. "Imagine approaching women of your own volition without alcohol," said one scientist. "You're just one organ transplant away." «» North Dakota is now banning all abortions after six weeks, a move expected to boost the state's sagging population. "Lots of people leave the state because of stupid laws like this," said Gov. Jack Dalrymple. "So we need stupid laws like this to replenish our numbers. It's quite the Catch-22." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «»