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Nation Keeps Embarrassing Itself In Front Of Paul Ryan
ANYTOWN, USA (CAP) - While Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan's sudden emergence into the national spotlight has both liberals and conservatives grappling over his controversial political ideologies, there is one thing all parties agree on unequivocally: the man is a tall drink of water.
"Would I go gay for Paul Ryan?" former Vice President Dick Cheney growled during a recent press conference. "Absolutely. There is no question about it. I can't even believe you had to ask me that."
He then added, "Why, did he say something?"
Political analysts have noted that not only is the youthful Ryan an impressively tall 6'1", with broad, muscular shoulders and great hair, but his chin has this amazing dimple and his eyes are so, so blue that you can just get lost in them.
"Paul Ryan is not an easy subject to interview," said Wolf Blitzer, after the candidate made a brief appearance on CNN's The Situation Room. "Every time I'd get ready to ask him about his plan to brutally gut Medicare, I'd gaze into his eyes and my mind would just drift. Before I knew it, I'd be picturing the two of us on a beach, laying in each other's arms as the surf crashed around us..." Blitzer paused, blinking.
"Did I say that last part out loud?" he asked.
MSNBC's usually prickly Rachel Maddow fared little better when Ryan visited her show recently for an interview.
"In a moment I'd like to talk about a bill you introduced which would make it legal for a rapist to sue his victim to prevent her from getting an abortion," she told him. "But before we get to that, can we first discuss how the light glints off your hair in just this perfect way that is almost impossible to describe? And your eyes - they really are dazzling in person.
"Seriously, is that your real eye color? Because I just ... wow."
Maddow later giggled and asked Ryan if she could feel his arm muscles, because they "look so big and strong."
"Americans should really be ashamed of the way they are acting around Paul Ryan," said political correspondent Marlene West. "You'd think they'd never seen a lean, hunky guy run for office before. Worst of all, he advocates some really terrible political policies, but it's as if we're giving him a total pass on them because of his good looks.
"As a country, do we just collectively have low self-esteem, or what?" questioned West. "We could really do so much better than Paul Ryan. I wish we would realize that."
West added that it isn't as though she doesn't have the occasional urge to rip Ryan's pleated khakis off and grab him by the hair, but at least she's staying calm about it, unlike the rest of America. She then recommended that voters go take a long, cold shower.
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