Sunday | April 20, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@AnthonyRomero #WhatAboutAmpersands
The anti-hashtag movement is gaining momentum among a portion of American youth disillusioned with the direction of popular memes.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

SPACE PROGRAM

Oops! Mars Rover Tech Forgot To Pack The Big Lens

Oops! Mars Rover Tech Forgot To Pack The Big Lens
NASA Operations Manager Jordan Evans puts out an APB for the misplaced lens.

PASADENA (CAP) - In one of the few disappointments so far involving the Mars rover Curiosity - which landed on the red planet last week - several technicians were reportedly horrified to find NASA's F-7000 High Density Lens in a storage closet at their jet propulsion lab yesterday.

The lens, which NASA scientists developed over five years at a cost of approximately $350 million, was supposed to have been mounted to the rear of the rover, where it would take in-depth photographs at a far higher resolution than those that have been transmitted by the device so far.

"I know we certainly intended to put it there," the project's head imaging technician Kris Hanford told CAP News. "I'm pretty sure Carl was supposed to do it."

Carl, a NASA technician who declined to give his last name, said he definitely mounted something there, but now he's thinking it might have been something other than the F-7000, like a piece of PVC pipe.

"The funny thing is, I remember when we stored the lens in there I thought, I wonder why we're putting this in here with all this PVC pipe?" Carl recalled.

The news was reportedly not taken well when it was announced to mission control, where dozens of men broke instantaneously into tears, crying uncontrollably down the fronts of their powder blue golf shirts.

Adam Seltzner, the NASA scientist who had been preparing to study the images that were to be sent back from Curiosity using the F-7000, was particularly inconsolable, given that he now has nothing to do for the next five years.

"F-ing Carl!" sobbed Seltzner, removing his horn-rimmed glasses to rub his bloodshot eyes. "I'm still convinced he was the one who put the bad tire on the Spirit rover in 2010."

"It wasn't a tire so much as an old piece of rubber," recalled Carl. "But I'm pretty sure it was circular."

As disappointing as the discovery was, NASA scientists point out that they're used to the ups and downs that go with their jobs.

"We've certainly had our share of successes," said NASA spokesman Marvin Federer, citing their efforts to launch TV host Nancy Grace into space, their participation in Newt Gingrich's planned moon colony and the day they intercepted transmissions from Carrie Prejean's sex tapes.

"That day is still our reigning high-five champion," he noted. "And we give a lot of high fives around here."

But there have also been plenty of setbacks, such as their aborted plan to man a space capsule entirely with bikini models and midgets, and the cancellation of their "Sex in Space" program.

"We knew when we got into this business that it wouldn't be easy, and that we'd sometimes make mistakes," said NASA Chief Administrator Charles Bolden Jr. "Carl may have screwed up in not attaching the F-7000 to the Mars rover, but that doesn't mean he's not an excellent technician.

"And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother-in-law," added Bolden.


- CAP News Staff

MORE tech NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» NASA is backpedaling today, saying the planet they believed they discovered revolving around a distant sun was actually just a plane going overhead. "We were excited because we thought we even found inhabitants," said one astronomer. "Looking back, it did seem odd that the planet's name was tattooed across itself." «» Entrepreneur Richard Branson is assembling a team of adventurers whose mission will be to rebuild the now defunct Comet Ison. "Once we have all our supplies - ice chunks, dirt particles, space debris - we'll launch our rocket toward the comet and rebuild it in mid-flight," said Branson. "Ison will live on!" «» Two cosmonauts who carried the Russian Olympic torch on a spacewalk to promote the upcoming Winter Games accidentally dropped the torch and could do nothing but watch as it floated away. Lamented one official, "We told them to try string around wrist like child with balloon, but do they listen?" «» Researchers at ITT Technical Institute have created a state of the art ironing board that doesn't squeal like fingernails on a chalk board when opened. Next they're working on a series of ironing board covers featuring sports and bikini models to try to entice men to actually do the ironing. «» Apple has launched its own vessel iSkiff into San Francisco Bay in order to compete with Google Barge. "We have no idea what Google's doing out there, but we're going to get out there so we can do it, too," said CEO Tim Cook. "Except, you know, do it better." «» BlackBerry users concerned about the company's future since its sale to Fairfax are being allowed to exchange their smartphones for other items of equal value. The buyback program offers up packs of gum, costume jewelry and other trinkets for the devices, which most agree is more than a fair trade. «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «»
    Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» NASA is backpedaling today, saying the planet they believed they discovered revolving around a distant sun was actually just a plane going overhead. "We were excited because we thought we even found inhabitants," said one astronomer. "Looking back, it did seem odd that the planet's name was tattooed across itself." «» Entrepreneur Richard Branson is assembling a team of adventurers whose mission will be to rebuild the now defunct Comet Ison. "Once we have all our supplies - ice chunks, dirt particles, space debris - we'll launch our rocket toward the comet and rebuild it in mid-flight," said Branson. "Ison will live on!" «» Two cosmonauts who carried the Russian Olympic torch on a spacewalk to promote the upcoming Winter Games accidentally dropped the torch and could do nothing but watch as it floated away. Lamented one official, "We told them to try string around wrist like child with balloon, but do they listen?" «» Researchers at ITT Technical Institute have created a state of the art ironing board that doesn't squeal like fingernails on a chalk board when opened. Next they're working on a series of ironing board covers featuring sports and bikini models to try to entice men to actually do the ironing. «» Apple has launched its own vessel iSkiff into San Francisco Bay in order to compete with Google Barge. "We have no idea what Google's doing out there, but we're going to get out there so we can do it, too," said CEO Tim Cook. "Except, you know, do it better." «» BlackBerry users concerned about the company's future since its sale to Fairfax are being allowed to exchange their smartphones for other items of equal value. The buyback program offers up packs of gum, costume jewelry and other trinkets for the devices, which most agree is more than a fair trade. «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «»