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MIDDLE EAST
U.S. To Help Syria Now That Olympics Are Over
DAMASCUS, Syria (CAP) - As war continues to tear apart the Middle Eastern nation of Syria, the U.S. State Department has finally responded to that country's pleas for help, stating that America will send aid now that the 2012 London Olympics have concluded. That aid will take the form of food, supplies and Misty May-Treanor tennis visors.
"Not for nothing, but the Summer Games only come around once every four years," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "But the Middle East is at war, like, all the time. I don't think it killed them to wait a couple weeks.
"Okay, poor choice of words, but seriously, that medal race between the U.S. and China was pretty damn tight," noted Clinton.
The delayed decision by the State Department falls in line with U.S. foreign policy against active involvement in world affairs "during or immediately prior to international sporting events with greater than 65% interest per capita, calculated either by total number of broadcast hours or advertising revenues generated."
"We Americans cannot for the life of us fathom the world's interest in watching soccer, but you don't see us all blowing up countries and shit during the World Cup," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "So let us enjoy watching Michael Phelps kick some ass and we'll get to you when we get to you.
"Just be glad the Super Bowl is only four hours long," Gates added.
Other countries who had already opted to support either Syrian President Bashar al-Assad or the anti-Assad rebels expressed concern that by waiting so long to enter the fray, the U.S. has unfairly tilted the scales in favor of those who want to overthrow the Assad regime.
"The United Nations has gone through great lengths to split countries evenly between Assad and the rebels, thus ensuring that this international conflict is not resolved any time soon," one council envoy said on condition of anonymity. "But America takes much too long to make a decision - always with the mucking things up."
White House officials did offer a veiled apology to the U.N. for an elongated decision-making process but noted that the six-hour broadcast delay for the marquis Olympic sports made it difficult to keep up with current events, so President Obama opted to wait until the Olympics had concluded.
"The last thing we wanted to do was find out ahead of time whether the women's 4x100 relay team would be able to bring home that elusive gold," said White House spokesperson Jay Carney. "We just couldn't risk turning on the news and hearing the results before we saw the race, so the president decided the best approach would be to completely avoid any news and eliminate that risk."
Carney also said Obama was disappointed to see that many of the same domestic issues that existed prior to the start of the Olympics were not resolved by the time the closing ceremonies ended. He noted it "would have been nice" to hear that the economy was all set, or that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were back together, or that Mitt Romney's bus had driven off a cliff.
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