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DINING
Shunned By Chick-fil-A, Gays Turn To Health Foods
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - As the public furor over Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy's anti-gay marriage stance continues to dominate media headlines, a new study by the National Institutes of Health suggests that homosexual health has already improved by 27% as gay and lesbian Americans find themselves forced to make alternative dining decisions.
"It would appear that Dan Cathy's statement against same-sex marriage has served as a wake-up call for homosexuals who more or less felt like they were punched in the gut by the fast food industry," said NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins. "As a result, they are making healthier food choices, and that in turn is having but one effect:
"The gays are getting stronger," Collins noted. "Mark my words - the days of the genetically mutant super homo are coming."
An extrapolation of the data gathered by NIH shows that if the trend continues, the obesity epidemic in America will quickly become just a straight problem as homosexual life expectancy increases and gays begin to outlive, outpace and outperform their non-gay counterparts. Gay activists say the Chick-fil-A gaffe could be the best thing to happen to their people since Richard Hatch won Survivor.
"I envision a time when gays may actually compete in Olympic sports other than gymanstics and ice skating," said Neil Giuliano, President of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. "And hate crimes will become a thing of the past because every single one of us will be able to outrun you gay-hating lard asses."
Conservatives who opted to illustrate their support of so-called traditional marriage by gobbling up a record number of Spicy Chicken Sandwiches and Waffle Potato Fries during a recent eat-in at Chick-fil-A locations across the country say having the shits for three straight days was a small price to pay to espouse their political views and show solidarity with other intolerant Americans battling high cholesterol.
"I ate an entire tray of Chick-n-Minis just to prove my point," demonstrator Dickie Thoms told the crowd gathered outside an Abilene, Tex. restaurant. "I can't remember what that point is because I feel like I'm about to hurl, but ladies and gentlemen, these cramps are the cramps of freedom!"
However, as news of the NIH study spread, many Chick-fil-A supporters began to realize that their plan of putting gays in their place by increasing their consumption of fat grams and calories had backfired, leaving them no choice but to partake in some additional American ingenuity by finding a scapegoat.
"Dan Cathy should have kept his fool mouth shut!" said Mike Huckabee, former Ark. governor and author of Is That A Cervix In Your Pocket? "Now we're going to be overrun by strapping, hard-bodied homosexual men pushing an agenda of tolerance and a healthy lifestyle. This is un-American!
"And what's up with Dan Cathy's name?" Huckabee ranted. "Two first names and one of them is a woman's? Now that's gay!"
Stores like Whole Foods and Trader Joe's are reporting record numbers of gay shoppers since the Chick-fil-A incident and also say it appears their money looks exactly the same as money being spent by straight Americans. While they are having difficulty keeping shelves stocked, owners say there is "plenty of Greek yogurt and cinnamon granola to go around."
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