Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@PaulaDeen #BigotSaysSorry
Paula Deen's new cookbook - buy it wherever fine racist books are sold!
FROM THE VAULT
April 22, 2009
Liberal Gun-Hoarding On The RiseLiberal Gun-Hoarding On The Rise
Fake Advertisement

MUSIC

Springsteen's E Street Band Suffering From 'Exhaustion'

Springsteen's E Street Band Suffering From 'Exhaustion'
Having already worn out the entire country of Finland, The Boss took his wailing guitar to the empty streets of London because he just can't stop.

HELSINKI (CAP) - Several members of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band were admitted to the Helsinki University Central Hospital last week, apparently suffering from exhaustion following a concert at Olympic Stadium that lasted anywhere from four to nine hours, according to various reports.

"It was harrowing ... they just started dropping like flies," said Lasse Hamalainen, one of the few audience members to make it through the entirety of the mammoth performance.

Most accounts have keyboardist Roy Bittan, 63, being the first to show signs of fatigue, missing some notes in the piano solo on "Backstreets" around hour five, and then falling unconscious with his head on his keyboard.

"It made sort of a plinky sound," noted Hamalainen.

Others soon followed, including guitarist Nils Lofgren, 61, who collapsed behind the horn section Fender guitar in hand, and bassist Garry W. Tallent, 62, who curled up into a fetal position on one of the stage risers.

Witnesses say that shortly thereafter Max Weinberg's arms froze in an upraised position during "Candy's Room" and the 61-year-old drummer fell over backwards, "sort of like an uprooted Greek statue," said Hamalainen.

All through the carnage Springsteen, 63, continued to rally the crowd, waving his arms, sliding across the stage on his knees and hanging upside down off his microphone stand.

"He never slowed down, except when he tried to crowd surf over the 'pit' in front of the stage and as it turned out most of the crowd had passed out by around hour eight," said Hamalainen.

Luckily for Springsteen, two large men who had managed to stay conscious - identified only as "Aleksi" and "Joonas" - were able to hold him aloft until he could get back to the stage.

Witnesses report that by the 12th encore the entire band was strewn out around the stage in various states of consciousness, from staggeringly dazed (saxophonist Jake Clemons) to full-fledged coma (Steven Van Zandt, looking not unlike his character Silvio Dante in the last episode of The Sopranos).

"When he realized there was no one backing him up anymore, he ran offstage and grabbed his acoustic guitar" - Springsteen's guitar tech had apparently also passed out - "and started doing a solo show," said Hamalainen, who had taken to keep himself awake by pinching himself and burning his arm hairs off with a cigarette lighter.

Having run out of original compositions at this point, Springsteen launched into a medley of Pete Seeger classics, followed by three full songs that most people left described as "inane gibberish."

"But that's probably because we were mostly hallucinating at that point," said Hamalainen.

The show made headlines around the world for its unprecedented length and number of unconscious band members, with Brian Williams of ABC News calling it "one for the ages." This prompted fellow Springsteen fans Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon to storm the anchor desk and give him noogies.

Springsteen meanwhile helped local medical teams load his bandmates and unconscious audience members into ambulances and onto makeshift bunk beds to sleep the concert off. According to some accounts, he then resumed the show and it may still be ongoing.


- CAP News Staff

MORE showbiz NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»