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ELECTION 2012
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WASHINGTON (CAP) - Giving in to months of pressure from politicians on both sides of the aisle, Mitt Romney has finally made the last ten years of his tax returns public. Already it appears the fallout from the information they've revealed may significantly impact his chances for election this November.
"This is bad for Romney, really bad," said Republican strategist Mike Wills. "It would have been one thing had his returns revealed evidence of tax dodging or other illegal activity. He's a wealthy, powerful guy - they make mistakes. That would have blown over. But for them to show that Romney was a loyal supporter of National Public Radio, for years..."
Wills shook his head, lapsing into silence. "This revelation is almost beyond devastating to his base," he said finally.
"I couldn't believe it," said conservative blogger Todd Hart. "Romney wasn't just some occasional NPR donor: someone who chips in a few bucks here and there during the spring pledge drive, when Terry Gross starts sounding extra desperate. No, the man was a freaking sustainer."
"I'll just bet you he has a copy of The People's Pharmacy: Quick And Handy Home Remedies on his bookshelf," he added darkly.
For many outraged Republicans, the betrayals didn't stop there.
"I'll give him public radio - he probably picked that up from living in Massachusetts for so long," said Sen. Richard Burr (R-NC). "But the fact that Romney regularly supported the World Wildlife Fund, a blatantly anti-business organization for lazy animals who've never worked a day in their lives? It's unconscionable."
"How are we supposed to stand behind a candidate who will protect whales before he will protect job creators?" demanded Ariz. Gov. Jan Brewer. "It's common knowledge that most whales are unemployed; all they do is swim around, greedily filtering free krill from the ocean, while being supported by hardworking taxpayers."
"It's high time whale-Americans pulled themselves up by their whale bootstraps," Brewer concluded. "No one gets a free pass, with the possible exception of job-creating millionaires, who are entitled to keep every cent they earn, thanks to their tireless job creation."
When asked about Romney's donation of a staggering 10% of his annual income to an organization called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, however, most conservatives were evasive.
"I don't immediately understand what that organization is," said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL). "But since the words Jesus Christ and Church are in there, I'm sure it's fine."
"I'm giving that one a pass," said Mike Wills. "I don't think there's anything noteworthy about it. Let's move on."
Romney himself has gone on the offensive, asserting in recent interviews that he thought he had been donating to the NRA all those years, and not NPR. He also noted that he does not even like NPR, and is also not sad that Car Talk is ending, as he never much cared for Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers.
Contributing Writer
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