Tuesday | September 2, 2014
Queen Elizabeth II Can't Believe It's Come To This
Queen Elizabeth II oversees the traditional Cow Girl Line Dancing at the equestrian venue.

LONDON (CAP) - As she surveyed the crowd at the Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 Olympic Games last weekend, Queen Elizabeth II couldn't help but be gripped by one nagging, overarching question: "What the hell happened?"

"There was a time when a monarch was a monarch," she said later during an exclusive interview with CAP News. "Now I'm reduced to presiding over some vulgar melange of Les Miserables and STOMP."

She then stopped for a moment to stare out her window at Buckingham Palace, perhaps remembering a time when a queen could, for no especially good reason, order somebody's head removed.

"I mean, did I really just appear in some half-witted James Bond spoof?" she asked, referring to Danny Boyle's short film depicting her as the newest Bond girl and jumping out of a helicopter with Daniel Craig. "And that skinny fellow with the wide face - who was that man? Everyone knows Sean Connery is the only true Bond."

Then she paused again and finally muttered, "Wanker," to no one in particular.

But some say the Queen might be engaging in a bit of revisionist history when lamenting her role in the Olympics spectacle. "This type of thing has been going on for centuries," said Walter Fernfrussen, professor of British Studies at Oxford.

For instance in 1878, Queen Victoria made a much-publicized appearance as "Mrs. Cripps (Little Buttercup), A Portsmouth Bumboat Woman" in a special performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore to commemorate the 525th anniversary of the House of Lords, explained Fernfrussen. "She was terrible, but received polite applause," he said.

And in 1936, said Fernfrussen, Edward VIII - in one of the few achievements of his short reign before abdicating the throne - appeared in a series of short subjects with the Peculiar Iddesleigh Brothers, a long-forgotten comedy trio considered to be Britain's answer to The Three Stooges.

"He spent most of his screen time having crumpets thrown at him," said Fernfrussen.

The Queen also told CAP News she was upset that Olympics preparation had been criticized by U.S. GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who apparently would have restructured the entire operation much like he did Wayne Industries.

"Off with his head!" the Queen said of Romney, before being reminded by aides that even if she still had that authority, it would not extend to Romney because he is not a British citizen.

"Oh bollocks," she responded. "How about that Paul McCartney then?"

Despite her consternation over her role in the Olympics proceedings, many have long believed that the Queen first caught the acting bug herself back in the 1980s, when she was rumored to appear as herself in the movie The Naked Gun, despite the role having been credited to Elizabeth II look-alike Jeannette Charles.

"What did that lovely Leslie Nielsen say? No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us..." recalled the Queen, pensively. "It is silly, isn't it?"

Then she left the room to wear her crown and play with her corgis.

- CAP News Staff

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