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For Birthday, Selena Gomez Renews Deal With Satan
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Disney star Selena Gomez reportedly celebrated her 20th birthday this week by attending Nickelodeon's Teen Choice awards and renewing the pact with Satan that explains her ongoing success.
Gomez, who starred in the Disney Channel hit Wizards Of Waverly Place - which TV critic Tom Shales called "execrable, and possibly prosecutable" - also scored this year with Love You Like A Love Song, a top-selling song that led former longtime Los Angeles Times music writer Robert Hilburn to drive his Ford Mustang convertible into a ditch.
"Unfortunately I survived to hear the whole song," said Hilburn afterward.
Most have long suspected that some sort of dark agreement with an otherworldly force is behind Gomez's winning streak, which also includes launching her own perfume line and landing a starring role in next year's Spring Breakers with James Franco.
"When trying to assess who has gotten in bed, so to speak, with an uber-evil lord of the underworld, we usually try to look for someone who's achieved spectacular success despite a noticeable lack of talent, drive or appeal," said Yale Professor of Religion Mary Carmichael. "With Selena, all of our buzzers went off."
Carmichael pointed in particular to Gomez's performance in Wizards Of Waverly Place, which studies have found to be indiscernible from documentary footage of mentally retarded children learning to read.
"It's notably awful, even by Disney standards," said Carmichael. "Classic deal-with-the-devil stuff."
And as for her much celebrated romance with teen heartthrob and Nickelodeon slime victim Justin Bieber?
"That was probably the devil calling in his chits," said Carmichael, noting that Bieber "is probably no slouch in the Faustian bargain department himself."
Up to now, Gomez had been cagey about whether she's made some sort of illicit agreement with Mephistopheles or his ilk. Earlier this year, an Us magazine cover story headlined Did she or didn't she? Selena mum on her devilish dealings insinuated that Gomez may have spent her early teen years sacrificing newborn babies on a sacrificial altar in the name of Satan, much like former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein reportedly did in the early 2000s.
But Gomez just responded by smirking and saying, "Wouldn't you like to know!" She then tweeted a picture herself with red liquid dripping from her hands, with the caption, "Baby blood? Nope, it's ketchup! Probably."
Her agent, meanwhile, pointed out that Disney does not let its stars out of their boxes long enough to sacrifice babies.
Recently, though, Gomez has been more open about the possibility. At the Teen Choice Awards, she made a not-so-cryptic reference when presenting the award for Surliest Attitude, saying "I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan! Yeah!"
"Everyone just assumed she was talking about Justin Bieber, though," said Teen Choice host Demi Lovato.
Lovato, a universally praised singer and comic actress known for her philanthropic activities, lost her own Disney Channel show after suffering a nervous breakdown in 2010. She has since struggled, with her film Frank The Puking Tortoise, a follow-up to the Jonas Brothers movie about a farting dog, going straight to DVD.
"Still got my soul, though!" said Lovato, giving two thumbs up.
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