Friday | April 18, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@ChrisChristie #LetThemEatLard
NJ Gov. Christie discusses his plan to combat weight reduction efforts in his favorite aisle at the local grocery store.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

ELECTION 2012

Romney Condemns Gay Marriage At PFLAG Meeting

Romney Condemns Gay Marriage At PFLAG Meeting
"You're ALL gay ... and your mother dresses you funny!" Romney told PFLAG members.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh off his appearance in front of the NAACP, where he was roundly booed for criticizing President Barack Obama, GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney appeared before the national chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) to talk about his opposition of same-sex marriage.

"Marriage is between a man and a woman, and that's that," Romney told the crowd yesterday, prompting more than 40 simultaneous "glitter bombs" that left him sparkly for the rest of the speech.

It's one in a series of Romney campaign appearances that have prompted less than enthusiastic responses from the audience. Other recent incidents include:

- A stop at the annual convention for the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) in Corpus Christi, where Romney said, "What we need is policy that will get all you people to self-deport yourselves. Who's with me?" The statement was met with stony silence, followed by a smattering of boos and finally a wrestler in a blue mask who tried to catapult himself off the ropes on top of Romney and was restrained by bodyguards.

- A speech for the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations (CoP), where Romney told the crowd, "Israel is a great ally of the United States, even if I don't agree with your religion, its odd customs or its lack of special underpants. Also, Barbra Streisand - what's the appeal there?" This prompted the entire crowd to declare "Oy!" and slap its foreheads in unison.

- An address before the National Organization for Women that Romney opened up by saying, "Thanks for taking the time to leave your kitchens and come see me. So what do you chicks do around here for fun?" He was then pelted by burning bras.

- An appearance at the National Poverty Center at which he just said "Get a job!" and left.

Some have questioned Romney's judgment in addressing these groups, but conservative pundits say he's likely offending them on purpose to stir up his base. "Or at least the portion of his base that can't stand blacks, gays, immigrants or women," said TV and radio host Sean Hannity. "You know, real Americans."

Advisors close to Romney, who declined to be named, admitted that courting even a tiny portion of the black vote was a fruitless enterprise, noting John McCain's utter failure in that regard in 2008, despite a highly publicized endorsement from Little Black Sambo.

"We're much better off getting the rich white folks all riled up to come out and vote," said one advisor, noting how well this demographic had responded to other Romney strategies, such as his promise to move the U.S. in a new direction via tugboats.

As for Romney, he seemed unrepentant as he left the PFLAG meeting covered with glitter. "Actually, maybe it's all these sparkly things, but I feel fabulous," he said. "I haven't felt this good since I left Bain Capital in 2002. Er, 1999."

This prompted his advisors to declare "Oy!" and slap their foreheads in unison.


- CAP News Staff

MORE politics NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»