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WASHINGTON (CAP) - A recent survey of American adults by the Pew Research Center found that 89% of them were unable to stop playing with their smartphones for long enough to participate in a brief survey.
"I'm sorry, what was that again?" said Mike Abrams, a Schenectady, NY resident who was approached at a local bank and asked to answer a few questions about his political views. "I'm about to get beat my high score in Jewelz. I've been soooo close to beating it for like, ever."
Abrams then meandered away and subsequently walked into a wall.
The small number of adults who did actually agree to participate in the survey were still often distracted by mobile devices. A majority were ultimately unable to answer more than three or four questions out of the seven that made up the survey before growing confused and wandering off.
Many answers to survey questions also had nothing to do with the questions that had been asked. One respondent reported that her political party of choice was "lemon" and that she was her highest completed education level was "castle." Another plans to vote for the "flying pig" presidential candidate. It was assumed that he was referring to Republican nominee Mitt Romney.
Survey analysts reported that a variety of excuses were given for why respondents needed to be fiddling with their smartphones during a brief face to face interview they had agreed to take part in. An astonishing variety of transactions were conducted on smartphones by willing participants both before the surveys had begun, and while they were in progress.
"One woman said she she'd be happy to answer some questions, but first she just needed to retweet something Justin Bieber had recently tweeted," one survey conductor reported. "Another told me she was just finishing up a quick work email, and then she'd talk to me, but first she went and purchased a Groupon spa package while I stood there waiting patiently in front of her."
His voice broke. "When she finally looked up at me, I started asking my first question, but a minute later she was checking in on Foursquare."
"One man said he was just sending a quick text to his friend, to tell her that he was about to take a survey," said the lead survey conductor. "But then he got a message on Facebook, which he had to respond to immediately. Then I guess he needed to catch up on a couple of Words With Friends games. Eventually I think he forgot why I was standing there, although he did look up once to ask me if equivocately was a word."
The survey conductor sighed. "At that point, honestly, I was like, screw this and I started playing Angry Birds."
As of press time, polls show Flying Pig's popularity is on the rise.
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