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Romney Admits Presidential Bid Was Just A Prank
During a press conference yesterday that stunned reporters and voters alike, Mitt Romney announced that his presidential bid had in fact been "the mother of all pranks."
"Ladies and gentlemen," Romney told the crowd, his face grave. "I am not actually running for president, and I never was."
This admission was met with a moment of stunned silence, during which Romney bellowed with laughter and pointed gleefully at the crowd.
"I got you guys!" he crowed. "Oh, man, I got you SO GOOD! You all thought I was really trying for the nomination! Hahahahaha!"
It became difficult to hear his remarks over the frantic buzz of the crowd, but video footage of the event showed Romney pounding on the podium in hysterics, tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks.
"You should see your faces!" he hooted, doing a jovial soft-shoe while his campaign staff gaped at him. "You ALL fell for it! This is so great!" Romney then reached over to high-five a shell-shocked aide.
While he has long been known as an avid prankster, Romney's bid for the presidency, involving as it did millions of dollars, hundreds of dedicated workers, and months of grueling campaigning, was thought by most to be in earnest. But following his announcement, the ex-presumed-Republican nominee gave a brief speech setting the record straight.
"I have to admit, I thought at least a few of you were onto me for a while there," he chuckled. "Especially since I kept dropping the hint about how much I loved pranks. My wife and kids and I just went on and on about it at every opportunity - really, could we have BEEN any more obvious? But you still didn't get it!"
Wiping his eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief, Romney took a deep breath to compose himself.
"Come on now," he said, clearing his throat. "Let's be real. I'm a businessman. I don't know anything about being president. I mean, Governor of Massachusetts, maybe ... although even when I ran for that office, I was half joking. But then I actually got elected, so I figured, What the hell."
He shook his head. "But president?! Nah. We were just goofing around. Or at least, I was. I can't really speak for these jokers here," he said, waggling his eyebrows comically and gesturing at the stone-faced handlers around him.
"Can I tell you what the best part was, though?" he continued. "It was the way I annihilated all those other candidates without even breaking a sweat. Cain, Perry, Santorum, Gingrich - those guys were all running for real. Well, except Newt. Who knew."
Romney looked around. "Anyway, thanks for the laughs!" he said. "I guess it's back to the drawing board, huh Republican voters? Good luck with the upcoming election and everything."
During an interview with CNN later that day to get the message out, Romney reportedly pushed Wolf Blitzer's face into a plate of butter.
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