Sunday | July 5, 2015
Founding Fathers Say 'No' To Obamacare, Eat Brains
President Obama explains what to do in the event one is approached by a zombie founding father.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Just in time for the Fourth of July, several of America's Founding Fathers rose from the dead this week to clarify that they put nothing in the Constitution about forcing citizens to buy health insurance.

"Early to bed and early to rise - that's all the health insurance any fellow needs!" declared Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), a few rotting bits of flesh still visible on his exposed cranium.

"Plus a fair supply of leeches," noted zombie John Hancock (1737-1793).

The pair joined several other Founding Fathers in rising from the grave to comment on the constitutionality of President Barack Obama's health insurance mandate. Other undead patriots making an appearance this week included George Washington (1732-1799), Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) and Samuel Adams (1722-1803).

"But Sam just keeps saying Hey gents, get a load of this, and pouring beer down his rotting gullet so it spurts out the sides," lamented zombie Washington.

Apparently John Adams was supposed to attend as well, but he told his compatriots that he was still torn over the constitutionality of the measure, and he remained disgusted that CW's Sean Adams show - about a randy surfer dude who accidentally founds the United States - got higher ratings than HBO's John Adams.

"Liberty cannot be preserved without general knowledge among the people," John Adams said in a statement. "And a people that chooses Wilmer Valderrama over Paul Giamatti is clearly not deserving of liberty. Stupid idiots."

The contingent also raised some hackles within the Beltway when Hancock came across Vice President Joe Biden, ripped him limb from limb and ate his brain.

"Sadly, it was barely an appetizer," said Hancock.

The last time Founding Fathers rose from the dead was in 2006, when Washington, Hancock, Jefferson, John Adams and George Mason came back to bitch-slap then-president George W Bush. Mason was not invited for this trip, however, according to Samuel Adams.

"None of us could stand the son-of-a-bitch when we were alive, so we told him to stick it!" Adams said.

Though not happy with President Obama's sweeping health care plan, "I will say he seems a big improvement over that totty-headed nocky boy Bush," said Franklin, ripping the grey matter from the skull of an unfortunate White House tour guide. "Um ... Do people still say nocky boy?"

"Mr. Obama seems to have a fine head on his shoulders," agreed zombie Jefferson. "Plus I think we may be related."

The Founding Fathers did admit, though, that the Supreme Court, in declaring the individual mandate to be legal as a tax rather than a penalty, might have been on to something.

"We were all for taxation, as long as it comes with representation," noted Hancock.

"If you could call what you people are getting from those fellows in Washington representation," added zombie Samuel Adams, causing all of them to begin laughing so hard that most of their remaining body parts fell off.

- CAP News Staff

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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»