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Holder Charges Dropped Due To Too Much Reading
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Charges of contempt against Attorney Gen. Eric Holder have been dropped after congressional leaders realized they would actually have to read some 1,300 pages of documentation in order to properly argue a case against him. House leaders said they would take up the case again once the Cliff's Notes version was released.
"We are lawmakers, not schoolmarms, and simply don't have time for a reading effort of this magnitude," said Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA). "Plus it's summertime, and who wants to spend it reading this shlock?
"Besides, our time is tight and these two dozen post offices aren't going to name themselves," Issa noted.
The charges stem from allegations that Holder is withholding documentation from Congress that details the government's efforts in "Fast and Furious," an operation aimed at tracking the trafficking of weapons across the Mexican border that many say indirectly led to the death of ATF agent Brian Terry. President Obama said his administration has undertaken many illicit activities, but this isn't one of them.
"Drugs? Sure. Illegal immigrants I hope will figure out a way to vote for me in the fall? You betcha," Obama said. "But it's just bad policy to mix your drugs and your guns, which is why all of our weapons come down from Canada."
An analysis of some of the documents obtained by the CAP News Forensics Team found it to be printed in 10-point font and single-spaced, which turns into more like 2,500 pages when viewed on a mobile device or large-print type for aging congressmen. Additionally, the information appears to be in paragraph form and not bulleted for easy reference.
"The only thing lawmakers hate worse than math is reading," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "Nothing exemplifies that more than when the House Subcommittee On Periodical Subscriptions canceled a dozen magazines and renewed only the abridged version of Reader's Digest."
Independent tests conducted at the CAP News Research Lab determined that the median TTS (Time To Sleep) for an average congressman reading similar material was 23 minutes. Assuming an initial disinterest level of 72% and base INO (Initial Nod-Off) of five minutes, full comprehension of the subject matter would require it being read 2.7 times - meaning it would take the typical congressman 305 days to get through all of the documentation.
"If no one can hand me a five-page brief about this situation, then I'll just wait for the made-for-TV movie about it starring Denzel Washington as Holder," said Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD). "I think I can donate a couple hours of my time to learn about this before making a decision that could bring down our government."
Meanwhile, Obama has vowed to review his administration's policies as they relate to clandestine operations that should never be put into writing to ensure damning evidence is captured more succinctly for future investigations.
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