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Whiskas Launches New Meowbivalent Cat Food Line
LEICESTERSHIRE, England (CAP) - While many devoted cat owners spend hundreds of dollars a year on expensive canned cat food to ensure that their pets live long and healthy lives, research has shown that a growing number are "just not really that into their cats anymore," said Robert Slade, a spokesman for cat food manufacturer Whiskas.
The company has plans to target this demographic with a new line of low-priced cat food, entitled Meowbivalent.
"Maybe you love your cat," said Slade, "and you want to make sure his meals are nutritionally balanced and healthy - and that's fine. Good for you. But some cat owners, they've been putting up with Mr. Fuzzyface shedding on their pillows and vomiting in their shoes for going on ten years now, and they're starting to wonder, How long do these things live, anyway?"
Slade noted that Meowbivalent does contain "pretty much all of the essential vitamins and minerals required to keep your cat going, more or less."
He added, "It's not like an animal that sleeps for 20 hours a day needs particularly strong and healthy bones, you know?"
A press release for the new line, which is expected to appear on shelves next month, promises consumers that Meowbivalent cat food will "give your feline the precise level of nutrition it deserves."
"Why give your pet extra energy and a bounce in its step if it's just going to use them to claw your drapes and dart behind the goddamn sofa every time the doorbell rings?" it asks.
While currently only available in new Dry and Round Nugget flavors, the makers of Meowbivalent plan to roll out additional varieties, including a highly-anticipated 'Resentment Blend' which will actually cause a cat's claws to become dull and brittle over time.
"After a while, they'll often just fall right out," said a Whiskas developer. "Then let's see Midnight try to sharpen them on your new dress pants."
He added, "Stupid cats."
While some cat owners are dumbfounded by the idea that they would want to give their beloved animals anything less than an optimal diet, others are reportedly looking forward to the new line.
"I got Sparky as a Christmas present," said Rhode Island resident Betty Potter, the owner of a 9-year-old Maine Coon. "He was cute for awhile, but once we left that initial honeymoon phase, he became the bane of my home life.
"At this point, our mutual hatred only grows each day," added Potter. "I'm tired of giving him gourmet cat food that looks and smells better than anything I ever buy for myself, just so he can preen his shiny, healthy coat and stare me down with his bright, malevolent eyes. Meowbivalent sounds like a great solution for both of us."
The company is in talks with dog food manufacturers in an effort to collaborate on a similar brand of food for canines, although sources admit there is less demand for such a product.