Wednesday | June 19, 2013
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@HuJintao #AndThePITAWinnerIs
President Hu Jintao addresses the American public on China Central Television after his country was named The World's Foremost Pain In The Ass.
FROM THE VAULT
June 16, 2010
Backlash As Helen Thomas Tells Stray To Backlash As Helen Thomas Tells Stray To "Go Home"
Fake Advertisement

GAY RIGHTS

Wedding Stylists On Strike Until Gay Marriage Legal
Life imitates art: The scene playing out is very similar to a crappy 2006 movie starring John Stamos
Wedding Stylists On Strike Until Gay Marriage Legal

RALEIGH, NC (CAP) - A growing number of fashion designers, stylists and event planners have banded together and are refusing to provide services to straight couples who are planning their weddings until gay marriage is legalized across the country.

The boycott has gained momentum during the last few months as more states have moved to either ban gay marriage or refuse to legally recognize same-sex unions of any kind.

Engaged heterosexual couples have reacted with alarm. Forthcoming nuptials are expected to suffer greatly from a lack of style and taste until the self-imposed ban is lifted.

"I'm incredibly worried about this," said Patricia Felton, 28, who had planned to marry her fiance of two years, Martin Bland, in a large ceremony this summer. "I had the best team of stylists and planners in the world until they all resigned as part of this strike. I'm completely at a loss now."

Felton held up a scarlet cocktail dress.

"I was going to wear this to the rehearsal dinner because [former wedding planner] Vince said it was daring, but also darling and that I could get away with it with my figure," said Felton. "But now I'm not so sure, especially since I found out that the carpet at the restaurant is green. Am I going to look like a Christmas elf?"

Wedding Stylists On Strike Until Gay Marriage Legal
What happens when straight women are left to their own devices

She turned to her fiance, who shook his head and backed away slowly. "Martin? A little advice please? Can you even tell me if these shoes go? WHO WILL HELP ME?!"

Felton collapsed in tears, clutching the dress and shoes, as her fiance fled the scene.

Although not all of the stylists and designers taking part in the movement are gay, a large percentage are, and many of them have long-term partners they say they would someday like to marry. The general consensus is that it is unjust for a wedding planner to assist with an event that he or she is legally banned from personally participating in.

"It wreaks havoc on your karma," noted Trent Richards, a highly sought-after designer who helped spearhead the strike. "Knowing that I've helped countless couples look great while walking down an aisle that I and my partner of 10 years are banned from has become too frustrating to bear."

"I'm tired of designing elaborate flower arrangements for straight weddings while knowing that I'm prohibited in most states from ever having one myself," said Kevin Peters, a stylist from Raleigh.

"Not only has North Carolina banned gay marriage, but they just amended the state constitution to bar recognition of any union aside from marriage between a man and a woman. That felt like a slap in the face. Enough was enough."

Added Peters, "We're hoping that putting the pressure on engaged couples will help push the equality movement forward so that in the next few years all Americans will be able to marry the person they love. In the meantime, create your own damn centerpieces, heteros. I guarantee that for the most part they will be tacky as hell."

As of press time, wedding boutiques had begun to report an alarming increase in the demand for Groom Kilts and particularly vulgar Unity Candles.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer
[COMMENT]
MORE u.s. NEWS
Rolex Submariner
bobswatches.com
Fake Advertisement

SponsoredTweets referral badge

  • Banner Stands
    » Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
  • Advertise Here
    » Do you have a product or service of interest to CAP News fans? Contact us now for rates and availability!
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2013 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!" «» Investigators in Boston have uncovered some key evidence at the site of Monday's explosions: a piece of intact resolve in the debris. "We're still determining the origins of the resolve, but one thing's certain," said an FBI source. "This shit wasn't made in China. This is 100% pure American resolve." «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «»
New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!" «» Investigators in Boston have uncovered some key evidence at the site of Monday's explosions: a piece of intact resolve in the debris. "We're still determining the origins of the resolve, but one thing's certain," said an FBI source. "This shit wasn't made in China. This is 100% pure American resolve." «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «»