Thursday | March 28, 2024
U.S. Will Stop Calling Things 'Gay' If It Can Use 'Jewy'
She's right, but she doesn't have to be so jewy about it.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - After a great deal of pressure from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, various celebrities, and anti-bullying groups, the United States has agreed to stop using the word "gay" as a pejorative, as long as it can keep the word "jewy."

"We're fine with this," said Martha Plimpton, a GLAAD spokesperson. "If people stop calling things gay as an indication of something bad, then they can use the word jewy all they want."

The nation said it's easy to remove the word gay from its lexicon, because it doesn't even use it that often, but insisted the word jewy is just too central to everyday conversation.

"I can't finish my coffee without describing something as jewy," said Peter Fulton, an unemployed mailman. "It lets me know the day has begun."

The U.S. insists that the word jewy is not meant as something bad or wrong, but "just a way to describe people," said the U.S. "What?"

A spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League found the exchange completely unfair.

"The word jewy is utterly offensive to the Jewish community," said Bryan Schimmel. "But let's say this: they can have the word jewy as long as Jews are allowed to use the words gay and faggy."

"That won't fly," said Plimpton, knitting a Feminist Killjoy sweater. "Too many Jews are prominent as comedians; if they use those words, everyone will think it's okay."

At this point there is a stalemate between the Anti-Defamation League and the GLAAD organization, though it doesn't seem to bother the U.S.

"Until those two groups work it out," said the U.S., "we're just going to keep using the words gay and jewy. I mean come on, sometimes there's no other way to describe something.

"What?"

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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