Monday | September 26, 2016
Zuckerberg Still Checking For Ex-Girlfriend Response
Mark Zuckerberg appeals to the public for help with friending his ex-girlfriend from college.

PALO ALTO (CAP) - Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, whose company suffered a surprisingly lackluster initial public stock offering last week, is reportedly still distracted by the lack of a "Friend" response from the girlfriend who dumped him in college, an event that prompted him to invent the hugely successful social network.

"She hasn't accepted it, but she hasn't rejected it either," Zuckerberg told a close acquaintance who spoke to CAP News under condition of anonymity.

"Our research has shown that means I still have about a 28 percent chance of her responding in the affirmative," he told the acquaintance, who had actually asked about the decision to raise Facebook's projected stock price to a range of $34 to $38 from the initial $28 to $35.

Instead of answering the question about the stocks, Zuckerberg simply noted that "until that rejection comes, I'm still in the game," before misting up briefly and then turning icy and sarcastic.

The Social Network, the 2010 David Fincher movie about the founding of Facebook, famously ends with Zuckerberg sending a friend request to the girl - a BU student called "Erica Albright" in the movie - and then refreshing his screen repeatedly as he waits for an answer.

"That's pretty much how he spends every day, still," said another anonymous source within Facebook, who noted that people will often approach Zuckerberg with questions about the business or the latest revenue figures, and he'll just look out the window distractedly as he refreshes his screen over and over.

"I'd say he's giving the business the minimum amount of attention," said the source.

Zuckerberg's distraction has reportedly proven especially problematic given the initial public stock offering, not to mention his recent marriage to longtime companion Dr. Priscilla Chen.

"He just kept refreshing his Facebook page on his smartphone, and she just looked frustrated," said a waiter at the exclusive Caribbean resort where the couple honeymooned. "On the plus side, he accidentally left me a $400,000 tip. Cash!"

Zuckerberg did make $19 billion on the IPO despite its slow start, but that doesn't mean he and the company he founded haven't faced their challenges. Last year Facebook was fined for violating the privacy of stupid people, and previous complaints forced him to promise users a "Mulligan Button" to erase embarrassing posts, although that turned out to be just a gag.

But it appears is biggest challenge has been the distraction of his long-ignored friend request. Contacted by CAP News, the woman thought to be "Erica Albright" explained in an exclusive interview why she failed to respond either way to Zuckerberg's request.

"I felt like it would be a good idea to keep my options open," she said. "Also, I figured it would drive that asshole crazy."

- CAP News Staff

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