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ELECTION 2012

Mitt Romney Nabs Supercuts Endorsement

Mitt Romney Nabs Supercuts Endorsement
Mitt Romney emerges from his new supporter after receiving his twice-daily trim.

MINNEAPOLIS (CAP) - GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney this week secured a coveted endorsement from Supercuts, the hair salon franchise with more than 2,000 locations nationwide.

"Mitt Romney is someone who understands the importance of a good haircut," said Supercuts spokesman Mitchell Hanson. "And not just his own hair. If he sees someone who needs a haircut, he'll make sure it gets done. By any means possible."

Romney's hair-cutting past raised eyebrows recently when the Washington Post reported that as a high school student, Romney held down a gay student and cut his hair off. But Romney said he doesn't recall the incident; he suspects because he spent most of his high school career cutting people's hair.

"I was a regular Vidal Sassoon in those days, God rest his soul," said Romney. "As to the trims I gave back then, I don't remember them all, but again, high school days, if I did a poor coif, why, I'm afraid I've got to say sorry for it."

Romney says he estimates he probably gave a hundred or more haircuts to friends, classmates, teachers, administrators and groundskeepers at the exclusive Cranbrook private school, never charging them, citing the Mormon requirement of good citizenship.

"I suppose I may have been overzealous about a few of those trims, like some of my fellow Mormons have been about their number of wives and promoting their magic underpants," he said.

"It's like the old joke about the Boy Scout who helped the old lady to cross the street even though she didn't want to go," Romney said. "Except in this case the Boy Scout holds her down in the middle of the road and chops her fruity blonde hair off." At that point Romney's spokesperson abruptly ended the interview.

Oddly, subsequent conversations with Romney's former classmates and surviving Cranbrook staffers reveal that none of them recall the candidate having had a penchant for hair-cutting, or even owning a scissors.

"In fact, I think had to borrow a scissors the time he held that kid down and cut his fruity blonde hair off," said one former Cranbrook student who said he witnessed the incident that Romney doesn't remember, and has been in therapy ever since.

But some sources close to Romney say he's kept up his hair-cutting hobby to this day. The Boston Globe reported that when his children were younger he used to cut their hair, and would even get involved in trimming the fur of the family dog Seamus, often while the dog was on the top of the family car.

"He loved it - he would just jump right up there and lie on his back waiting for the shears," recalled Romney's wife Anne. "And the dog enjoyed it too."

More recently, Donald Trump, who recently helped plan Mitt Romney's day off in Chicago, said Romney had even cut his hair. "Mitt Romney is just the top, the best and most successful amateur hair cutter there is, and he did just a fabulous job on my hair, just terrific," said Trump, although sources close to the haircut said that Romney broke four pairs of scissors on Trump's nearly superhuman follicles.

Romney even reportedly cut the bugs out of his grandchildren's hair after PETA strapped them to the top of a moving vehicle. "Golly, those little buggers are tough to get out," said Romney. "Fortunately their hair was already pretty short, not like the fruity blonde hair that kid had in high school." At that point Romney's spokesperson abruptly ended the interview, again.


- CAP News Staff

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