Sunday | May 19, 2013
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@MarkZuckerberg #LikeMyGraph
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg discusses the "Think, Search, Like" methodology of his new graph technology.
FROM THE VAULT
May 14, 2009
New iPhone App Lets Users Talk To Each OtherNew iPhone App Lets Users Talk To Each Other
Fake Advertisement

RETAIL SALES

Success Of 'Avengers' Leads To Run On Shields, Mallets

Success Of 'Avengers' Leads To Run On Shields, Mallets
Even venues like the famed Chelsea Mallet Show couldn't keep them in stock.

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of the success of Marvel's The Avengers, which has taken in more than $600 million in worldwide ticket sales, manufacturers say they can't keep up with the demand for Captain America shields, Thor hammers and Iron Man metal helmets among the movie's target audience, 40- to 55-year-old men.

"I got the last one they had!" said Mark Pender, 41, a Boise accountant and father of two, as he brandished his official stainless steel Captain America shield while waiting for the No. 17 bus on Bannock Street in Boise. "It makes a neat clangy noise when you hit stuff against it," he noted, whacking it with his lunchbox as other white-collar commuters looked on with looks of barely contained jealousy.

In small towns and big cities all over the country, the streets are filled with middle-aged men carrying Avengers paraphernalia, according to Buck Frearson of the Super Hero Merchandise Co. of Spartanburg, S.C.

"These Thor mallets are about 12 pounds each, so they're not that easy to carry, but we've already sold more than 400,000 of them," said Frearson, hefting a hammer up by its strap and noting that men can be seen lugging them along the streets of Chicago and New York City in "staggering numbers."

"The only downside is the people who've accidentally broken their noses spinning them around," said Frearson, who, amid rumbles of a class action suit, says his company has started including warning labels that state, "Do not spin these around near your nose."

"Gods of Thunder these people aren't," he noted.

The run on Avengers merchandise by men in mid-life shouldn't be surprising, according Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Research Center. His study of the Avengers' opening weekend audience shows it was 80 percent made up of males who have been dreaming about this movie since they first read an Avengers comic book when they were nine.

"And the other 20 percent were wives and children dragged there by them," noted Spitznagel, who commented that it's the same demographic for whom improbably busty superheroines were invented.

The demographic isn't entirely male, though - for instance, New Jersey mother of three and Avengers fan Barbara Linebach, 42, was wearing a skintight Black Widow jumpsuit as she pushed her daughter, Madison, 4, down the produce aisle of the Barnegat, N.J. Safeway this week.

"I haven't been this excited about a new outfit since I bought those assless chaps for the Van Halen tour," said Linebach, adjusting the jumpsuit where her midsection kept protruding from between the top and the pants as frightened stock clerks scurried behind the deli counter.

Still, despite the boon to superhero product manufacturers, there have been some incidents that have raised concerns, even beyond the broken noses. For instance, Frankie Parnatz, 51, a textbook editor from Cleveland, Ohio, was one of dozens of men removed from their places of business this week when they showed up wearing nothing but tattered purple Hulk pants.

"I'm pretty sure his naughty bits were showing," said a coworker of Parnatz who declined to be named.

And this may just be the beginning. "If history serves, when the new Superman reboot comes out (in 2013), we'll have a rash of people wearing their underwear outside their pants," said Spitznagel, noting that this would describe the entire staff of the Pew Center from 1978-1983.

- CAP News Staff
[COMMENT]
MORE business NEWS
Rolex Submariner
bobswatches.com
Fake Advertisement

SponsoredTweets referral badge

  • Banner Stands
    » Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
  • Prom Dresses 2013
    » Searching for the perfect dress to wear on your big night? Take a look from these styles who top the best-dressed lists all the time!
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2013 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» Fox News officials say the group who hijacked the Associated Press' Twitter account also hijacked their entire network during the manhunt for the second Boston Marathon bombing suspect. "I knew their coverage sucked too much to be real news reporters," said one pundit. "Not sure what MSNBC's excuse was, though." «» Shares of AOL climbed to their highest point in eight years upon the discovery of a relic CD at a Tennessee yard sale. "It was one of the rare CD's that only offered 25 free hours with a new account," said one trader. "It was pretty much a nostalgia buy." «» The National Association of Bank Robbers has voted unanimously to incorporate the visage of Barack Obama into their arsenal of presidents masks worn during bank heists. Obama joins the likes of Nixon, Reagan and Carter and will be replacing pantyhose, typically worn by the least competent member of a gang. «» A bankruptcy judge has approved the merger between American Airlines and US Airways, creating arguably the largest repository for mishandled and misplaced luggage in aviation history. "Don't forget pets," said CEO Thomas Horton. "And disabled passengers. Oh, and the elderly. And pretty much anyone requiring non-standard accommodations. We don't discriminate." «» Following Ford's advertising fiasco in India comes word they are pulling yet another ad for the Figo, this one showing Indian teenagers enjoying hamburgers while riding in the vehicle. "I don't see what the big deal is," said one executive. "Everyone knows hamburgers are made with horse meat, not beef." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «»
U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» Fox News officials say the group who hijacked the Associated Press' Twitter account also hijacked their entire network during the manhunt for the second Boston Marathon bombing suspect. "I knew their coverage sucked too much to be real news reporters," said one pundit. "Not sure what MSNBC's excuse was, though." «» Shares of AOL climbed to their highest point in eight years upon the discovery of a relic CD at a Tennessee yard sale. "It was one of the rare CD's that only offered 25 free hours with a new account," said one trader. "It was pretty much a nostalgia buy." «» The National Association of Bank Robbers has voted unanimously to incorporate the visage of Barack Obama into their arsenal of presidents masks worn during bank heists. Obama joins the likes of Nixon, Reagan and Carter and will be replacing pantyhose, typically worn by the least competent member of a gang. «» A bankruptcy judge has approved the merger between American Airlines and US Airways, creating arguably the largest repository for mishandled and misplaced luggage in aviation history. "Don't forget pets," said CEO Thomas Horton. "And disabled passengers. Oh, and the elderly. And pretty much anyone requiring non-standard accommodations. We don't discriminate." «» Following Ford's advertising fiasco in India comes word they are pulling yet another ad for the Figo, this one showing Indian teenagers enjoying hamburgers while riding in the vehicle. "I don't see what the big deal is," said one executive. "Everyone knows hamburgers are made with horse meat, not beef." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «»