Saturday | April 19, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@MarkParker #MarketingToZombies
Nike's new slogan for 2014
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

ELECTION 2012

Obama Heavily Favored To Win Swimsuit Competition
President Obama courts one female voter as he garners support for his re-election campaign.
Obama Heavily Favored To Win Swimsuit Competition

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Although Ann Romney insists that her husband "cuts quite the dashing figure in a pair of swim trunks," and is "actually less pasty than you might have been led to believe," polls show Obama with a substantial lead in one of the most important determining factors of the election process: the swimsuit competition.

"This is my favorite part of the presidential race," said CNN reporter David Lewis. "Voters love to watch the candidates strut their stuff on the Washington runway. It gives them a chance to get to know the nominees in a way that speeches and debates just don't allow."

Added Lewis, "For many Americans, being informed of a candidate's stance on the issues is not nearly as helpful as knowing what he looks like in a bathing suit."

President Obama has already raised hackles among the GOP by allowing the press to photograph him in swim trunks while on vacation several times during his presidency. Opponents have argued that doing so has given him an edge in the upcoming competition.

"It isn't right," said Keith Allen, a spokesman for the Romney campaign. "We believe the flattering photos that the Obama camp has leaked are a deliberate attempt to sabotage the contest. The president already has the unfair advantage of a naturally bronzed complexion and a lean, athletic physique. He's not fighting fair.

Obama Heavily Favored To Win Swimsuit Competition
Debonair. Simply debonair.

"Romney plays quite a bit of golf and swims laps occasionally, but I've never seen him even attempt a chin-up, let alone in front of reporters," added Allen. "And I think tanning is against the Mormon religion. He's working at a definite disadvantage here."

An aide from Newt Gingrich's recently failed campaign has even accused Romney supporters of encouraging Gingrich to stay in the race just long enough to enter the swimsuit competition as a second challenger. The aide suggested that Romney's team was hoping that "even a doughboy like Mitt would look appealing standing next to Newt Gingrich," whose body was once described by an ex-wife as "disturbing."

The Romney campaign has reportedly been investigating whether vice presidential candidates can take part in the contest instead.

"If that could be arranged, you'd better believe Romney will go with Paul Ryan as his VP pick," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "Ryan's fiscal policies are off-the-wall insane, but I've heard his shoulders and back are amazing."

Records indicate that former Republican presidential nominee John McCain also requested permission for his vice presidential candidate to enter the swimsuit competition in his place during the 2008 election, but his request was denied.

Vice President Joe Biden recently told the press that if the rules allow it, he would be glad to enter the contest in Obama's place, despite the president's current favored status. "Trust me, if I'm in this competition, it'll be the first gun show conservatives are actually opposed to," Biden said.

"This guy here knows what I'm talking about, yeah!" Biden added as he high-fived a reporter.


- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

MORE politics NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»