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Bin Laden Papers Reveal Dozens Of TV Show Reviews
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The debate over whether Osama bin Laden's personal papers really contained critical opinions of FOX News has apparently been laid to rest: The U.S. this week released hundreds of new diary entries from the former al Qaeda leader, many of which feature detailed analysis of Fox News programming and commentary on dozens of other TV shows.
"Fox & Friends is as lacking in neutrality as the rest of the network's programming, which is emblematic of the American arrogance and hubris," wrote bin Laden. "And who is doing the picking of Brian Kilmeade's neckties? That person should be beheaded and his body defiled."
Bin Laden's journals actually have individual entries on every show in the Fox News schedule, including Justice With Judge Jeanine ("What does this woman know of justice? She employs neither dagger nor scimitar, only a 1,000-megawatt smile and biting wit - although both are admittedly formidable") and The O'Reilly Factor ("What is this No-Spin Zone he speaks of endlessly? I am beginning to think it is not a real place").
More surprising, though, are his many entries about reality shows and fictional TV dramas and sitcoms. These include:
Two And A Half Men: "Ashton Kutcher, bah! I have a mind to order a fatwa against him, because of his conceit in believing he could take the place of Charlie Sheen, and also because I have an unshakable feeling that he will hurt Demi, whom I loved in Striptease and would gladly make one of my many wives."
The Voice: "What voice? These people have the voices of a hundred spitting camels being mauled to death by a Caspian tiger. Except for Dia Frampton, whose tones are like a blessed emissary of Allah and whom I would like to be one of my virgins when I arrive in paradise."
Glee: "This show is so gay. In fact, these are some of the happiest people I've ever seen on television. Praise be to Glee!"
Big Bang Theory: "These wispy faux men would not last for a day in my ranks. Also, the one who argues that Superman is mightier than Green Lantern is foolish beyond all folly. Death to him!"
Undercover Boss: "I once did this with my new recruits - masqueraded as one of them so I could see how truly dedicated they were to our glorious cause. Until one of the lieutenants tried to strap a bomb on me, and I was like 'Hey, Osama here! Undercover boss! Good job, carry on everybody!'"
Deadliest Catch: "Sadly about fishing."
"He was apparently quite knowledgeable about television, aside from being a crazed mass murderer," noted Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales, who attributed bin Laden's expertise to the hours spent in his bunker with nothing to do but watch television. He was also rumored to have been a silent backer for the proposed 2008 Rachel Ray vehicle So You Think You're a Terrorist?
And in 2010 bin Laden took credit for Jay Leno, although judging from his journals he later regretted having anything to do with him. In fact, it appears "I'm more of a Kimmel man" were the last words he wrote before being shot in the head by Navy Seals.
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