Friday | May 22, 2015
Victoria's Secret Introduces Marriage-Saving Panties
For just $26, you can put the granny in your panty.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (CAP) - Victoria's Secret recently announced the debut of a highly-anticipated line of lingerie, the Panacea collection, which designers claim will save even the most desperately floundering of intimate relationships.

"Victoria's Secret understands what women are really looking for when they shop with us," a company spokeswoman said during a recent press conference. "And we're proud to finally give them what they want: a quick-fix, $26 magic bullet that will instantly solve the myriad problems and frustrations which have long plagued their unfulfilling marriages."

The company has received a record volume of preorders for the new collection, which is expected to sell out immediately once it finally appears in stores.

Victoria's Secret customer Marcia Belzer, a Washington, DC-area attorney who was spending her lunch break browsing at the mall, spoke with CAP News about the new line.

"My husband and I haven't been intimate in five months - ever since his mother moved in with us we've barely even spoken," she said. "I've already ordered six pairs of the new Panacea panties. I'm counting the days until they arrive so things can go back to the way they were before. I really miss being in a loving relationship."

The main page of the Victoria's Secret website offers details on the forthcoming collection, describing the undergarments' "sleek, flattering cut" and "commitment-enhancing ribbon and lace trim," and referring to them as "the sensational, instant rescue that is all your doomed relationship needs."

Still, there are skeptics who wonder whether even a sexy new pair of panties can really save a troubled marriage.

"Although Victoria's Secret's new Panacea collection does appear to be a promising breakthrough in the field of keeping hopeless couples together, it's hard to imagine them fixing things on their own, without any counseling or behavior therapy to boost their love augmenting properties," said CAP News Therapist Cindy Williams.

And although the popular lingerie company promises that its new collection will "improve spousal tolerance and increase marital affection by at least 40% after just one use," a small-print disclaimer admits that those findings have not been evaluated by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

A television commercial for the new collection, first broadcast during The View, has also generated an outsized buzz. As the camera pans over a montage of Victoria's Secret supermodels, dressed in oversized nightshirts and cavorting awkwardly with unshaven middle-aged men on faded bedspreads, a British-accented female voiceover promises that no relationship is too depressingly dysfunctional to be fixed with the right kind of lingerie.

"It's taken you years to lose that spark," the voice says. "Now bring it back instantly with just one simple vanity purchase."

The commercial ends with the line's new slogan: "Nothing stands between you and a trial separation like the new line of lingerie from Victoria's Secret."

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE health NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «»
New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «»