Monday | March 30, 2015
Victoria's Secret Introduces Marriage-Saving Panties
For just $26, you can put the granny in your panty.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (CAP) - Victoria's Secret recently announced the debut of a highly-anticipated line of lingerie, the Panacea collection, which designers claim will save even the most desperately floundering of intimate relationships.

"Victoria's Secret understands what women are really looking for when they shop with us," a company spokeswoman said during a recent press conference. "And we're proud to finally give them what they want: a quick-fix, $26 magic bullet that will instantly solve the myriad problems and frustrations which have long plagued their unfulfilling marriages."

The company has received a record volume of preorders for the new collection, which is expected to sell out immediately once it finally appears in stores.

Victoria's Secret customer Marcia Belzer, a Washington, DC-area attorney who was spending her lunch break browsing at the mall, spoke with CAP News about the new line.

"My husband and I haven't been intimate in five months - ever since his mother moved in with us we've barely even spoken," she said. "I've already ordered six pairs of the new Panacea panties. I'm counting the days until they arrive so things can go back to the way they were before. I really miss being in a loving relationship."

The main page of the Victoria's Secret website offers details on the forthcoming collection, describing the undergarments' "sleek, flattering cut" and "commitment-enhancing ribbon and lace trim," and referring to them as "the sensational, instant rescue that is all your doomed relationship needs."

Still, there are skeptics who wonder whether even a sexy new pair of panties can really save a troubled marriage.

"Although Victoria's Secret's new Panacea collection does appear to be a promising breakthrough in the field of keeping hopeless couples together, it's hard to imagine them fixing things on their own, without any counseling or behavior therapy to boost their love augmenting properties," said CAP News Therapist Cindy Williams.

And although the popular lingerie company promises that its new collection will "improve spousal tolerance and increase marital affection by at least 40% after just one use," a small-print disclaimer admits that those findings have not been evaluated by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

A television commercial for the new collection, first broadcast during The View, has also generated an outsized buzz. As the camera pans over a montage of Victoria's Secret supermodels, dressed in oversized nightshirts and cavorting awkwardly with unshaven middle-aged men on faded bedspreads, a British-accented female voiceover promises that no relationship is too depressingly dysfunctional to be fixed with the right kind of lingerie.

"It's taken you years to lose that spark," the voice says. "Now bring it back instantly with just one simple vanity purchase."

The commercial ends with the line's new slogan: "Nothing stands between you and a trial separation like the new line of lingerie from Victoria's Secret."

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «»