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ELECTION 2012
Santorum: God Is Using Miley Cyrus To Test Me
MADISON, Wis. (CAP) - CAP News recently caught up with Rick Santorum on the campaign trail and sat down for an exclusive interview with the presidential hopeful. The candidate sounded upbeat when asked about poll results and remaining primaries, although his mood was clearly pensive.
"My intention to continue my campaign is as strong as ever, despite the challenges I currently face," Santorum said. "And these particular challenges are not coming from any of my opponents in the race, who, frankly, are the least of my problems right now."
Santorum then confided in CAP News that he believes he is currently being tested by God in the form of pop sensation Miley Cyrus.
"Some may say that this is Satan's doing," he said. "But in my heart of hearts I cannot imagine that any creature as beautiful as Miley Cyrus could ever be the work of the devil."
Santorum first beheld the tween idol when he took his daughter to see a Hannah Montana concert last fall and said he couldn't get her out of his mind for weeks.
"Every time I tried to focus on day-to-day matters, such as drafting legislation to criminalize birth control or shopping online for sweater vests, my thoughts would wander," Santorum admitted. "And there she would be, wholesome and innocent in her sassy pink jacket and high-tops, unknowingly fanning my most wicked desires into a blazing, sinful inferno."
At this, Santorum stopped himself. "I should note that Miss Cyrus is 19 years old, so it would theoretically be perfectly legal for me to lie with her in a procreative fashion once we had pledged ourselves to each other for eternity in front of God," he said thoughtfully. "Not that I've ever imagined what it would be like to do that, but - no! Stop it, Rick! It cannot be."
With that, Santorum paused to beat his head with his fists for several moments, all while telling himself through gritted teeth to "stop those sinful thoughts."
"Sometimes I can go hours without dreaming of that seductive siren," he said. "And other days it seems like whenever I happen to turn on the Disney Channel weekdays at 3pm and again at 7:30, there she is!"
Abruptly he clenched his fists and let out a hoarse cry of, "Mileeeey!" Although he is suffering, Santorum believes he will come out of this a stronger person.
"My wife Karen stands by me with grace and courage," he said. "I'm so grateful for her support. Every time I'm about to fall into a pit of shameful lust, she reminds me that I am better than this, and that God Himself wants me to beat it." He paused, adding, "So to speak."
CAP News asked Santorum about the photographs that had surfaced of an underage Cyrus partying until the early morning hours, to which he responded that "it's just a phase" and that she has a good heart and will repent soon enough.
"Of course, it might help her if she had a strong role model," he added. "An older man, one with wisdom and experience, to guide her firmly back into the fold and to teach her how to be a pious, submissive woman..." His voice trailed off.
Santorum bit his knuckle. "I'd like to continue this interview," he said, "but I have some self-flagellation to attend to. I'm sure you understand."
Contributing Writer
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