Friday | March 29, 2024
Employers Back Merit Based Contraception Coverage
For those employees lucky enough to be allowed contraception, some companies are even providing instructional seminars.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new law which permits employers to withhold contraception coverage based on worker performance has been embraced by a majority of companies.

"Our receptionist occasionally arrives to work five or ten minutes late," said Mike Walsh, CEO of a Virginia law firm that is in favor of the legislation. "We're pretty sure it's because she's out partying until all hours, screwing everyone in sight to take advantage of our endless supply of birth control.

"Well, maybe she'll think twice about it now that we can take it away," Walsh added as he chomped on a cigar. "You want your pills, honey? Then be a good girl and show up on time."

Walsh pointed out that one of his top-performing partners, Lauren Willis, was being rewarded for working long hours to bring in additional business. "We told her that thanks to her hard work, she was now eligible for coverage of the hormone-based birth control of her choice," he said. "If she keeps it up, we may even throw in a screening for cervical cancer."

Since the law allows employers to oversee the contraception methods provided to female employees, companies are now able to be better informed about workers' personal relationships.

"Monica must have been using condoms for the last two years she's worked here," said Ryan Donahue, head of operations at an accounting firm in Georgia. "But when she recently filed a petition with HR to be approved for a diaphragm, we knew things must have gotten serious with someone.

"We told her that as long as her performance doesn't suffer once she's on this new method, we'll support the transition," Donahue added. "Just between us, I told her I'd love to help her get fitted for that new diaphragm."

Employee unions have condemned merit-based contraception, claiming that it violates women's privacy by requiring them to disclose personal health information to their employers, which often gives managers a role in making decisions many say should not involve them.

Dawn Wyman, an ad executive at a small firm in Des Moines, Iowa, noticed that her reproductive goals are now being discussed by her supervisors, along with her career goals.

"Management said they'd like to see me have at least one child in the next three years," she recently told CAP News. "They told me, Dawn, you're not getting any younger. Take advantage of those child-bearing hips and pop out a kid or two. Your career can wait."

Wyman sighed. "They told me they'd stop covering my Depo shot after the next year to show they meant business. I guess I'd better start preparing for motherhood."

Employers have already begun lobbying for the ability to base maternity leave coverage on job performance as well, claiming that it is unreasonable for workers to expect to receive weeks of paid time off after giving birth without first earning the privilege.

Thanks to current contraceptive policies, resolution of this issue is expected to reach critical importance approximately nine months from now.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»