Monday | May 25, 2015
As President, Santorum To Seek Ban On Genitalia
Rick Santorum describes his "Just One Finger" approach to genitalia management at this year's National Proctology Convention.

CHICAGO (CAP) - In a move that has left some political pundits scratching their heads, GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum says he wants to put an end to the unchecked usage of genitalia in the United States.

"America is suffering a pandemic of harm from genitals," Santorum's official website reads. "Genitals can be toxic to marriages and relationships. They contribute to misogyny and violence against women. Genitalia are a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking. Actually, a pretty big one."

The former Pennsylvania senator states that, "as a parent, I am concerned about the widespread use of genitalia and its profound effects on our culture." As an example, he pointed out that at his last several campaign stops, hecklers had referred to him using a euphemism for the male member.

"And I'm pretty sure they weren't just using it as a familiar nickname - it's not like my name is Richard," he pointed out. Reminded by aides that his name is in fact Richard, he admitted the issue could use some more study.

Several commentators have questioned the effectiveness of Santorum's anti-genital stand, coming on the heels of his comments about the evils of contraception, which alienated millions of female voters, and his stance against pornography, causing millions of men to publicly pretend to agree with him while thinking in private that they would never vote for him in "a million, jillion years," according to a new Rasmussen poll.

Now he's coming out against genitals as a whole, which threatens to alienate anyone who's ever had "a tingle in their nether regions," as Anderson Cooper said on his CNN show earlier this week.

"And I know a thing or two about that," Cooper added, prompting Wolf Blitzer to sigh wistfully.

Despite the criticism, Santorum hasn't backed down, suggesting that genitalia were only necessary after marriage, for procreation, and even then on an extremely limited basis, "such as when one or both parties are asleep," he told reporters while campaigning in Effingham, Ill.

"Imagine no genitalia ... It's easy if you try," he added, prompting the reporters to pause thoughtfully for a few seconds, only to shake their heads vigorously in unison, as if trying to dispel a horrifying notion from their brains.

"Then we wall went back to our rooms to get tanked and watch hotel porn," said San Francisco Chronicle reporter Mike Blankstein.

Questioned about the issue, Santorum's most visible primary opponent, front-runner Mitt Romney, said that he's been studying genitalia very carefully, and that he knows people with genitalia, some of who run the country's wealthiest corporations and own the most successful sports teams. Then he hid under a desk.

Meanwhile, Santorum also criticized the Obama administration for turning "a blind eye ... to the scourge of genitalia."

"It's true, I don't spend much time looking at genitalia," Obama confirmed at a press conference this week, although his own have been closely studied by the likes of Pfizer and Essence Magazine. "Let's just say I have nothing to worry about in the genitalia department."

- CAP News Staff

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»