Saturday | November 22, 2014
As President, Santorum To Seek Ban On Genitalia
Rick Santorum describes his "Just One Finger" approach to genitalia management at this year's National Proctology Convention.

CHICAGO (CAP) - In a move that has left some political pundits scratching their heads, GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum says he wants to put an end to the unchecked usage of genitalia in the United States.

"America is suffering a pandemic of harm from genitals," Santorum's official website reads. "Genitals can be toxic to marriages and relationships. They contribute to misogyny and violence against women. Genitalia are a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking. Actually, a pretty big one."

The former Pennsylvania senator states that, "as a parent, I am concerned about the widespread use of genitalia and its profound effects on our culture." As an example, he pointed out that at his last several campaign stops, hecklers had referred to him using a euphemism for the male member.

"And I'm pretty sure they weren't just using it as a familiar nickname - it's not like my name is Richard," he pointed out. Reminded by aides that his name is in fact Richard, he admitted the issue could use some more study.

Several commentators have questioned the effectiveness of Santorum's anti-genital stand, coming on the heels of his comments about the evils of contraception, which alienated millions of female voters, and his stance against pornography, causing millions of men to publicly pretend to agree with him while thinking in private that they would never vote for him in "a million, jillion years," according to a new Rasmussen poll.

Now he's coming out against genitals as a whole, which threatens to alienate anyone who's ever had "a tingle in their nether regions," as Anderson Cooper said on his CNN show earlier this week.

"And I know a thing or two about that," Cooper added, prompting Wolf Blitzer to sigh wistfully.

Despite the criticism, Santorum hasn't backed down, suggesting that genitalia were only necessary after marriage, for procreation, and even then on an extremely limited basis, "such as when one or both parties are asleep," he told reporters while campaigning in Effingham, Ill.

"Imagine no genitalia ... It's easy if you try," he added, prompting the reporters to pause thoughtfully for a few seconds, only to shake their heads vigorously in unison, as if trying to dispel a horrifying notion from their brains.

"Then we wall went back to our rooms to get tanked and watch hotel porn," said San Francisco Chronicle reporter Mike Blankstein.

Questioned about the issue, Santorum's most visible primary opponent, front-runner Mitt Romney, said that he's been studying genitalia very carefully, and that he knows people with genitalia, some of who run the country's wealthiest corporations and own the most successful sports teams. Then he hid under a desk.

Meanwhile, Santorum also criticized the Obama administration for turning "a blind eye ... to the scourge of genitalia."

"It's true, I don't spend much time looking at genitalia," Obama confirmed at a press conference this week, although his own have been closely studied by the likes of Pfizer and Essence Magazine. "Let's just say I have nothing to worry about in the genitalia department."

- CAP News Staff

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NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»