Thursday | December 18, 2014
Romney Restructures Wayne Industries
Decked out in his Batman hoodie, Mitt Romney prepares to sell off the Batmobile.

GOTHAM (CAP) - In a shocking move today, Mitt Romney's Bain Capital purchased Bruce Wayne's company and immediately began restructuring it, leading to thousands of layoffs across the board.

"This should have been done years ago," Romney said during a press conference to announce the acquisition. "Wayne Industries has been sinking millions of dollars into the research and development department with nothing to show for it.

"The investors have had enough," Romney added.

The layoffs are even affecting those at the top, including Lucius Fox, Wayne's business manager.

"He's completely incompetent," said Romney. "Entire divisions of the company disappeared under his watch, and he's constantly purchasing ridiculous things, like new cell phone technology, light synthetic materials, and elaborate novelty cars.

"But there's been no return on any of the investments," Romney noted. "This is worse than Enron."

Fox was visibly disheartened. "I don't know what I'm going to do now. This company was my life. I don't have a family or anything."

According to Romney, a senior accountant tried to blow the whistle on the company's finances years ago, but was threatened with violence by Fox. "This poor guy tried to speak out against the vast amounts of waste, but was told that if he talked Bruce Wayne would beat him up," Romney pointed out. "What kind of way is that to run a company?"

According to source who spoke with CAP News on the condition of anonymity, Wayne has been a less than stellar CEO, constantly falling asleep during board meetings and disappearing for weeks at a time. The stock has fallen significantly since he took over the company from his father.

"Turning down that deal with the Chinese was a huge mistake," said Romney. "That's just bad business."

Romney toured every floor of the head office including those that only Wayne himself could access. "This will all be sold," he said, gazing into a high tech room that contained various gizmos and weaponry.

"I turned Staples and the Olympics around," Romney said. "I think I can handle Wayne Industries."

At one point during the CAP News interview, Batman appeared out of nowhere and tried to attack the candidate, but was immediately tackled by Romney's four sons.

"That was weird," said Romney, brushing himself off. "Take him to jail, boys."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»
Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»