Friday | November 28, 2014
Romney Restructures Wayne Industries
Decked out in his Batman hoodie, Mitt Romney prepares to sell off the Batmobile.

GOTHAM (CAP) - In a shocking move today, Mitt Romney's Bain Capital purchased Bruce Wayne's company and immediately began restructuring it, leading to thousands of layoffs across the board.

"This should have been done years ago," Romney said during a press conference to announce the acquisition. "Wayne Industries has been sinking millions of dollars into the research and development department with nothing to show for it.

"The investors have had enough," Romney added.

The layoffs are even affecting those at the top, including Lucius Fox, Wayne's business manager.

"He's completely incompetent," said Romney. "Entire divisions of the company disappeared under his watch, and he's constantly purchasing ridiculous things, like new cell phone technology, light synthetic materials, and elaborate novelty cars.

"But there's been no return on any of the investments," Romney noted. "This is worse than Enron."

Fox was visibly disheartened. "I don't know what I'm going to do now. This company was my life. I don't have a family or anything."

According to Romney, a senior accountant tried to blow the whistle on the company's finances years ago, but was threatened with violence by Fox. "This poor guy tried to speak out against the vast amounts of waste, but was told that if he talked Bruce Wayne would beat him up," Romney pointed out. "What kind of way is that to run a company?"

According to source who spoke with CAP News on the condition of anonymity, Wayne has been a less than stellar CEO, constantly falling asleep during board meetings and disappearing for weeks at a time. The stock has fallen significantly since he took over the company from his father.

"Turning down that deal with the Chinese was a huge mistake," said Romney. "That's just bad business."

Romney toured every floor of the head office including those that only Wayne himself could access. "This will all be sold," he said, gazing into a high tech room that contained various gizmos and weaponry.

"I turned Staples and the Olympics around," Romney said. "I think I can handle Wayne Industries."

At one point during the CAP News interview, Batman appeared out of nowhere and tried to attack the candidate, but was immediately tackled by Romney's four sons.

"That was weird," said Romney, brushing himself off. "Take him to jail, boys."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «»