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WASHINGTON (CAP) - A CAP News investigation has shown that not a single man on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, nor any of the men on the all-male panel assembled by the committee to discuss the recent White House ruling on contraception, has managed to get laid in months - and in some cases years.
"Even by their own wives," noted a source close to the committee who asked not to be identified. "And it's not like they haven't tried."
Several men on the panel were clergy members, which would partially explain their lack of sexual activity, at least with adults of the opposite sex. But other panelists had no such excuse.
"That moral philosophy professor (C. Benn Mitchell) had one very important thing standing between himself and getting laid - the fact that he's a moral philosophy professor," said the source, noting that there's no record of a philosophy professor of any kind getting laid since the late 1960s.
Even committee chair Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA), who assembled the panel, has reportedly not had sex since becoming a father in the early '80s. "And even then we're not so sure," said the source, noting that his son looks "a lot like the mailman, if you get my drift." Issa's mailman is a Democrat.
The report has raised the ire of several women's groups that were already upset over an all-male panel being convened to discuss birth control access for women.
Holly Duncan of the Facebook group The Angriest Women In The Whole Goddamned World noted the irony of a contraception debate among a bunch of guys who "couldn't get laid if they walked into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons."
She was presumably referring to congressmen John Mica (R-FL), Todd Platts (R-PA) and Mike Turner (R-OH), who were fined for doing just that in the late '90s.
"It would be one thing if any of these dudes ever had to worry about getting a girl pregnant," said Duncan, now visibly agitated. "But you actually have to have a dick for that." Then she ripped a six-inch stack of Maxim magazines in half with her bare hands, letting loose a guttural howl.
For his part, Rep. Issa said both the men on his panel and his fellow congressmen are more than qualified to debate whether women should have access to contraception, noting that their efforts have been endorsed by the group Focus On The Fetus.
"Plus, we don't just deal with women's contraception - look at our Cash For Condoms initiative," he pointed out, noting that even many Democrats in Congress had made thousands on the program, although he said he'd rather not name names. Then he pretended to cough and said "Anthony Weiner" into his hand.
That wasn't enough to satisfy the likes of Holly Duncan from the Angriest Women, however. "These guys should stick to what they know," she argued, noting that her group had actually backed the 2007 bill to outlaw masturbating while driving.
"Masturbation - now there's something these guys have some experience with," said Duncan, prompting agreement from every person who's ever watched C-SPAN.
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