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President Bush Declares Himself Missing Person
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - Texas State Police are confirming that George W. Bush has been officially declared a "missing person" after the former president called them to file that report about himself and when they called him back, he didn't answer.
Rumors of Bush's disappearance have surfaced repeatedly ever since his ominously named Farewell Tour in 2008. But confirmation came hours after it was announced that the mother of all Republican meetings - the influential Conservative Political Action Conference - would go on with nearly 35 prominent Republicans from all branches of government, business, and media and yet without the former president.
"That's when it became obvious," said one political pundit. "After all, a president doesn't just disappear! Just ask Bill Clinton. We can't seem to get rid of that guy no matter how hard we try."
Police admit that they have been suspicious ever since the start of the presidential primaries. "Don't you think it's strange," a police spokesperson noted, "that Republicans have held almost 20 debates without even mentioning his name?"
Further suspicions were aroused at the time when five men who "looked an awful lot like Republican presidential candidates" were overheard by a waitress working the graveyard shift at a Texas diner talking about "burying Bush so deep that no one could find him."
"When I asked them what they meant by that, they just smiled and left a really big tip," she said. "But as they were leaving I overheard them bragging about being experts at shoveling."
When questioned about Bush's disappearance, most of the Republicans at CPAC seemed either confused or dismissive. "Bush who?" asked one attendee as he shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.
Conservative darling Rick Santorum accused this CAP News reporter of "gotcha journalism" and said he wasn't going to be provoked to use what every Republican recognized as a "four-letter word."
Newt Gingrich took it a step further, noting that "the notion that there was a Republican president after Reagan is a complete fabrication of the left wing media.
"You might as well believe in global warming," Gingrich added.
Candidate Mitt Romney concurred, and offered what he deemed incontrovertible proof. "Just look at the economy," he said. "If we had had a Republican president who lowered tax rates, removed regulations from business, and pursued an aggressive foreign policy worthy of America, we wouldn't be in the fix we're in today. It's impossible.
"Now fetch me my magic undies," Romney added. "I've got some primaries to win."
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