TUPELO (CAP) - The parents watchdog group One Million Moms said that new JC Penney spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres is responsible for turning large numbers of its members into lesbians against their will.
"It's bad enough that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business," said One Million Moms in a statement released yesterday. "But now her direct influence is causing otherwise traditional and conservative mothers to partake in immoral homosexual acts. It's reprehensible."
Asked to elaborate by CAP News, the group's president Karen Grabower explained that she walked into the kitchen while cleaning up after a One Million Moms meeting at the Whitehaven Community Center in Horn Lake, Miss., and found two members engaged in what she would only describe as "highly inappropriate lip-to-lip contact."
Apparently when Grabower confronted the women, there was a long silence, and then one of them blurted out, "It was Ellen!"
"Yes, Ellen made us do it!" said the other woman. "And then they both dropped to their knees and started praying," recalled Grabower. "It makes sense, because they were both big JC Penney shoppers, as you could tell by their St. John's Bay argyle sweaters."
According to Grabower, the only possible explanation for the behavior is that Ellen had "infected what was once a wholesome, traditional department store and its shoppers with her immoral ways." Grabower said she found out some of the women engaged in the activities even met for the first time in JC Penney dressing rooms.
Meanwhile, a high-ranking member of the organization who spoke to CAP News under condition of anonymity said the problem is even more deep-seated than has been revealed publicly. The source said that further investigation found that dozens of the Moms were involved in such activities as French kissing, body-to-body rubbing and even something called "tribbing."
"I was too embarrassed to ask what that was, but I have a feeling Jesus would not approve," noted the source.
Interestingly, the controversy has actually caused a rift among several prominent mothers groups. Mothers Against Everything (MAE) - which, ironically, has close to a million members, in contrast to One Million Moms' membership of approximately 200 women - came out to support Ellen.
"She's so funny and perky and she's such a good dancer, and she has such nice taste in slacks," said MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski. "I just think the One Million Moms should make some better choices about their protests. There are so many things that are much more harmful to children, such as letting them wrestle lions to the death."
According to the unnamed One Million Moms source, a meeting between Grabower and Fortenski on the subject actually degenerated into a screaming match, and the two eventually began rolling on the floor wrestling with each other.
"Then they started kissing," said the source. "It was actually kind of hot."
Grabower remains undeterred, however. "Ellen is even worse than that High School Musical when it comes to turning people gay," said Grabower. "Things just haven't been the same since (former Focus on the Family CEO) James Dobson retired." Dobson was in a hot tub in Bloomington, Ind., with Rev. Ted Haggard, Sen. Larry Craig and GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum, and could not be reached for comment.
For her part, Ellen addressed the controversy on her show this week, thanking JC Penney for standing by her as she danced to "Lights, Camera, Action" by Mr. Cheeks. DeGeneres was upbeat and did not cry uncontrollably like she did the time her dog was euthanized out of spite.
- CAP News Staff