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Scientists Find Pink Dye Doesn't Cure Cancer
CAMBRIDGE (CAP) - Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), following a five-year study, have come to the startling conclusion that, contrary to popular belief, dyeing everyday products pink does not actually contribute to curing or even treating breast cancer.
"It's been commonly thought for years that carrying a pink water bottle or pen or iPod case, or wearing a pink t-shirt or hat with a pink ribbon on it, contributed directly to the successful treatment and even the eventual cure of breast cancer," said MIT researcher Dr. Roderick Crawford. "It turns out a patient's chances of survival are pretty much the same no matter what color people's stuff is.
"I know, I'm pretty shocked too," he added.
The findings come as yet another blow to the embattled Susan G. Komen For The Cure Foundation, which has made dyeing items pink the cornerstone of its business model for years. The foundation came under intense fire recently when it cut off funds to low-income mammogram recipients, presumably in an effort to kill them.
"We want to apologize to the American public for recent decisions that cast doubt upon our commitment to our mission of saving women's lives," said Susan G. Komen CEO Nancy G. Brinker in a prepared statement this week that reversed the decision to cut funding to Planned Parenthood for mammograms.
"We have been distressed at the presumption that the changes made to our funding criteria were done in order to rid the world of low-income women, which was not at all the case," Brinker added. "Those women are simply ‘collateral damage,' as they say." Brinker did not identify which "they" she was referring to.
Many assumed that cutting the funding had actually been a political decision, given Brinker's status as a longtime Republican donor. But she claimed that, like Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl, she had simply mixed up the number of women getting abortions at Planned Parenthood with the number of women getting abortions on the now-defunct soap opera One Life To Live.
The reversal seemed to allay critics for the time being, but now the foundation finds itself in the position of defending its almost pathological efforts to dye things pink. Brinker herself, appearing at a press conference to announce the funding reversal, was sporting a pink T-shirt, hat, blazer, jewelry, tote bag, sunglasses and glowstick (with lanyard), and carrying a pink bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
"To look at someone dressed like that and equipped with those accoutrements, one would assume she was practically exuding breast cancer cure," noted Dr. Crawford. "Turns out chemotherapy and radiation are much more effective."
Asked about the effects of the pink products on raising awareness of the disease, Crawford said, "I think when millions of women are walking around in tight T-shirts that say I Love Boobies, how much more aware can we get?"
Fortunately, scientists found no evidence that posting where you "like it" on Facebook (ostensibly referring to women's handbags) didn't in fact cure cancer. "Now, that one makes sense," said Crawford.
In fact, Crawford said that MIT studies have found Facebook to be responsible for saving more lives than Susan G. Komen, Planned Parenthood and the I Love Boobies campaign combined, "even if they do take advantage of all those stupid people."
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